Daughter: Dad, did dinosaurs really exist?
Me: Yep.
D: But how can you be so sure of that?
M: I’ve seen them in museums
D: Really!! Didn’t know they had museums when dinosaurs were about.
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My kid handed me a tooth tonight and said “that’ll be $5” so I guess we’re done with the tooth fairy
If you take a closer look, you will see a piece of mind your own business stuck in my teeth.
Steps to getting into her pants:
1) Wait for her to fall asleep
2) Take her pants off
3) Put them on yourself
4) Find a top that matches
There are a million designers working on making website buttons have better gradients and none working on the cord that changes how fast your ceiling fan is going. Literally no one knows what speed their fan is on or what will happen if they pull the cord again
HER: i love bad boys
ME: [trying to impress] my mom thinks i’m in bed
[being murdered]
me: are u Scottish
murderer: yes
me: then I guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
Boss: also, a reminder that if you find a USB outside, do not bring it into the workplace
Me: *writing notes* international bees only
cats: you just cleaned this box, i must use it
dogs: I can’t use a clean area, I must go where everyone has gone before me
Hand lotion, or as I like to call it
“Sin sauce”
they say you swallow 8 spiders each year, but what they don’t tell you is that it hits harder if you crush and then snort them
I’ve never literally been tortured but I have walked behind old people when I was in a hurry.
Hi 911, I’d like to report a drunk naked guy blasting off truck nuts w/ a shotgun. Time of incident? [takes drink] In about 20 minutes lol
I told my husband no less than thrice not to get red delicious apples because they are not, in fact, delicious, so you all know what he came home with
I asked my wife if she thought alligators could get aids and she showed me all these studies on how their blood can be used to fight autoimmune diseases and then I didn’t have the heart to tell her I was just trying to make a Gatorade joke.
[There could only be a finite number of possible outcomes to a situation that you are likely to face tommorrow]
Your Anxiety: ummm lets see!
glorious crime spree after being fired from wal mart., expertly hopping fences, chugging all the seeds out of my neighbors bird feeders,
her: kids grow up so fast these days
me: I know, it was scary when I asked my daughter how old she was and she held up three fingers
her: exactly!
me: she wouldn’t tell me where she found them
There’s a woman at breakfast with a mink purse. I guess it’s important to skin an animal alive to keep your credit cards warm… Idiot
Catching the tram at the airport. Doors open and it’s packed. Husband says we’ll just wait then sees a tiny opening at the next tram door and jumps on without telling me he’s doing that. Doors close. I stood there waving bye and the look of sheer terror on his face as it left.
Stranger: ma’am do you need medical assistance?
Me: IT’S BEEN A WHILE SINCE I WORE HEELS OK?
Remember when we had to smack the TV because the channel wasn’t coming in clearly?
I feel that way about far too many people.
Just found out that “Shake what your mama gave you” is considered extremely offensive to amoeba.
Sorry, I called you by accident. I was actually just trying to delete your number from my phone.
“Mommy, mommy, mommy, mom, mom, mommy, mom, mommy!”
-Mormon kids
When you grab your toddlers blanket out of the dryer make sure to check that your panties aren’t stuck to it before your toddler goes into school. I know this now.
Men statistically have larger brains than women, which is why men are usually smarter and elephants rule us all from their laser-hovercraft
[Vaccination center]
Me: *slaps $20 bill down* I would like one immunity please
[first day on the job as a drug dealer]
*giggles*
“We don’t have coke, is Pepsi ok?”
*gets stabbed*
Why couldn’t I have been born rich instead of so ridiculously witty?
People: Coronavirus is the worst thing that could have happened in 2020.
Murder hornets: Hold my stinger.