@vjraines: Most women want a man who can make them laugh and also feel safe. So basically, a clown ninja. Good to know
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@QwertyJones3: [Playing piano to impress a Russian girl] "Do you like it?" Her: That's sheet music "Yes, it is." Her: Now excuse me, I huv to take a sheet.
@Shade510: Not sure why my doctor prescribed LSD for a case of constipation...until I saw those dragons and totally shit my pants.
@dafloydsta: WIFE: Now stick to the list, okay? ME: I will. [later] WIFE: What the hell? [6 puppies run by] ME: Relax, they were on sale, Karen.
@meladoodle: The new options on Facebook look like the life cycle of every relationship I've ever had