No, you hang up first.
Me to Pizza Hut
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😂🤣😂🤣
Absolutely no one:
Me: *something goes down the wrong way and I start coughing*
Everyone: Let me tell you about the time I almost choked to death!
I don’t know what’s a video game and what’s a movie anymore. I think I was trying to play a movie for a few hours last night.
Me: Hiding in my pantry from a murderer
Also me: Opens a bag chips in pantry gets murdered
Nobody ever asked me to prove that I’m not an elephant, but I once lost an argument about being a french poodle
No wonder chickens can’t fly
STOP EATING THEIR WINGS
[hiding in pantry from murderer]
[quietly tries to open bag of chips]
8am: plain egg whites
1pm: greek yogurt
6pm: grilled chicken / mixed veggies
12am: every damn snack on earth
[WOLF CUB] Dad, why do we howl at the moon?
[WOLF DAD] Well son, the moon is made of cheese and that’s rad as hell
You don’t know fear until you cough out a tampon nowhere near a bathroom.
Emotions? No thanks. I’m trying to cut down.
Me: Sit.
Dog: (confused dog look)
Me: Stay!
Dog: (continues packing suitcase)
Me, dry heaving and wheezing: Everest was a mistake! I’m going to die alone on this godless wasteland
The Sherpa: Miss? We are still in the parking lot
this was pretty cool, thanks @funTweeters. means a lot!
The British Museum will take anything but jokes.
Just realized telling moms we have a lice scare gets me out of everything and I wish I’d thought of this earlier in my parenting journey.
“So you’re a foodie? What’s a foodie?”
“We enjoy eating out and trying new food.”
“So you’re like everyone else, except you brag about it?”
“Must you lick the knife?”
“Sorry,force of habit” I said “Loads of people do it though, don’t they?”
“Yes, but not during surgery, Doctor”
Based on how poorly this burrito was wrapped, I assume it was made by the one person at Taco Bell that has never rolled a blunt.
I got fired for telling customers if they wanted “smoking or non-smoking”.
Apparently the correct term in the funeral home business is “cremation or burial”.
{Horses on a road trip passing my house}
HORSE 1: *Points at me in my yard* Human.
Hypnotist: you are getting very sleepy.
Me, a parent: I’m already there, pal.
[first date]
HER: ask me anything..
ME: are you paying for dinner?
HOW TO JOG:
1. Put on jogging outfit.
2. Go outside.
3. Imagine a cow galloping down the street.
4. Try to milk that cow.
I…do not understand how electricity works.
Now I know why women like guys with big hands…. so they can’t eat all the Pringles.
Well played ladies, well played.
[inventing facebook]
Everyone: My family isn’t racist.
Mark Zuckerburg: Oh ahahahahaha
It can be hard to see beyond the limited perspective any one individual is offered in this tiny life, but try to spare a moment’s empathy for the poor task rabbiter I just hired to install my parents’ WiFi.
INTERVIEWER:How good are your public speaking skills?
ME:*from behind a tall plant in the office, I throw a piece of paper saying ‘Decent’*
When I was in 2nd grade, a girl in my class had a large pack of crayons. I wanted it. She asked if I would trade her my soul for the crayons. I said yes. But my mom made me trade her back so I could keep my soul & said if I traded my soul away again, I was grounded.