[job interview for garbageman]
interviewer: I like your enthusiasm, you’re hired
Three raccoons in trench coat: [ecstatic chittering]
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HER: what are you doing?
ME:
*closes page
*deletes history
*performs factory reset
*throws phone against the wall
nothing why, what’s up?
Every DJ knows the best response to a request is “yeah sure” then not play the song.
Psychologist: Let’s play a word association game. I’ll say a word, you say what springs to mind
Rainbows
Me: I hope my ex dies in a fire.
It’s that pottery scene from Ghost except it’s me standing behind the Subway sandwich artist helping him make my sandwich.
american companies transporting deadly chemicals anywhere
Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.
Just heard that distinct “baby fell out of the crib and into a pizza that was on the floor” sound
I really really hope parallel universe me is vomiting on my cat’s carpet right now.
therapist: and how do we react to conflict?
me: with sarcasm?
therapist: try again
me: oh sry how’s this? dEfInItElY nOt WiTh SaRcAsM
therapist: much better
Of course I support real issues.
I donate hundreds of dollars to the Girl Scouts every year for the ‘No Cookie Left Uneaten’, movement
Pro tip: Wives do not find it hilarious when you add a bunch of extra candles to their surprise birthday cake.
I know this now.
Me: [frog emoji]
Him: [turtle]
Me: [monkey]
Him: [pig]
Me: ARE YOU CALLING ME FAT?
Him: What? No! Here [dog]
Me: GREAT SO NOW I’M A BITCH?
3 asked if I remembered when she had a cough and I brought her snacks in bed and I asked if she was worried about getting a cough because of the pandemic and she said what pandemic can I just bring her snacks in bed
As I basted the turkey, I swear I heard it say “just not in my hair”
My Uncle is either a good taxidermist or a bad vet.
Hear me out. Organ harvest festival.
I found a message in a bottle. It said: don’t pollute.
Got ya covered
All my friends are mad at Neil Tyson for saying that The Chipmunks probably couldn’t happen in reality because their lungs would explode from singing notes written for the human diaphragm.
Anti-Hero if Taylor Swift was in a SKA BAND @Skatunenetwork
my wife wants to take the kids out which would be great except she wants me to go too
Womens clothing designers: would you like it skin tight?
Me: uh no
WCD: how about moomoo?
Me: can I have something in between?
WCD: no can do
Almost quitting time…Cheers!🥂
Sincere, like a compliment from a car salesman.
i dont really try to ‘make’ ‘friends’ on twitter im more like a wild deer and if you interact with me enough i may become accustomed to your scent enough to eat a carrot out of your hand
Couldn’t remember the word ‘ostrich’ earlier so I called it a giraffe chicken.
coworker: [talking about having children]
me: aww man I can’t have children
coworker: why
me: because I hate them
COP: Can you describe the man who shot you?
ME: He seemed mad
So women draw their eyebrows on daily, and nothing is said.
I sharpie on a beard for movember and suddenly everyone has something to say.
I was up at 3:30am today and now I am required by Dad Law to bring it up in every single conversation at work today