@YosefHawel: Most young lives are lost not because of seat belts, but because the defibrillator needs you to sign into Facebook first.
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@MeatloafComedy: It's been a horrible day. This morning my ex got ran over by a fed ex truck. Then I lost my job at fed ex.
@decentbirthday: [waking up after car crash] Doctor: Sadly, we could only reattach 8 of your fingers. However we were able to reattach all 12 of your toes