Some people can never, ever admit they’re wrong. I’m not one of them though I was definitely wrong about you
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every time i go to karaoke i tell myself ok. you are not a good singer. no need to be a hero. and then one and a half beers in im like “i am gonna do Video Games by Lana Del Rey so good i end war”
Hey people who don’t understand sarcasm, what’s it like being so awesome?
some things should go without saying
My son was awake early and I told him “Happy Easter.” He said he thought that was last week. In his defense though, I did bake a ham and give him a bag of Cadbury mini eggs last week… when I thought it was Easter.
I promised my husband a real show in the bedroom tonight. I hope he loves sock puppets.
I’m trying to eliminate negativity from my life so Monday’s will now be Taco Tuesday eve until further notice
Go girl power!
i never understood why we had to blow on the nintendo cartridge before eating it
Girlfriend just called me by my full given name.This is gonna end poorly.
The remote isn’t working! And the TV’s stuck on Food Network again!
“Are you in the kitchen?”
Yes.
“Honey, that’s the microwave.”
Apparently the drunk guy at the urinal next to me is under the impression that I was stung in the leg by a jellyfish.
I walked into a pub with my wife..
The Bartender asked: Would you like a drink for your wife?
I said That sounds like a fair swap
[sees a squirrel walking, not running, out of a cemetery] sweet jesus this is how it begins
As always, Wile E. Coyote’s plan had unexpected consequences.
I lost my job as a surgeon.
Apparently, I shouldn’t have left unfinished work over the weekend.
NO I DON’T KNOW WHY MY KITCHEN ALWAYS SMELLS LIKE BURNT FOREARM HAIR
[runs into friends with baby]
Me: OMG WHO’S THIS LITTLE GUY.
Friends:*picks up baby* wanna hold him?
Me:*kneeled next to dog* what?
Wednesday
Hide and seek, except it’s my husband searching for where he last put his pants.
I officially know too much trivia. My wife just told me cream of mushroom soup was introduced in 1934, and now I can’t remember her birthday
OMG YOU SHOULD DO A CARTWHEEL RIGHT NOW
– alcohol
Me: (seeing 16 walk into house shivering in short sleeve shirt) When you left the house, you were wearing your new hoodie. Where is it?
16: She didn’t bring a jacket. She was cold. She’ll just give it back to me tomorrow. Why are you laughing?
I load the dishwasher with delicious and reckless abandon, laughing aloud as I do: HAHAHA, MOTHER, how do you like me now!
8: Grandma’s car just pulled in.
Me: OMG please help me fix this
Captain: *opens treasure chest* Arrgh! It be just a mirror!
First Mate: Look closely, Cap’n
Captain: *studies* The treasure… is me?
Crew: Happy Birthday, Cap’n!
Captain: *sniff* Yarrr
If I ever only have 3 months to live, I want my ex wife to be with me. That would be the longest 3 months of my life.
When someone compliments you, etiquette dictates that you respond with “That is accurate.”
Our family has a tradition of opening presents on live video so the kids can be disappointed in real time.
One of my buddies is so healthy, wealthy, and wise… I wonder what his secret is? I want to ask him but he always goes to bed so early
Me: please tell me my future, madame
Palm reader: *studies my hand* it says ‘lots of seks and the good cheeses’
Me: awesome
Palm reader: in sharpie
Me: yeah
Palm reader: you’re going to die alone
I like the murder hornets. So sick of all the negativity.