@YosefHawel: Most young lives are lost not because of seat belts, but because the defibrillator needs you to sign into Facebook first.
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@murrman5: [surgeon in the recovery room] in addition to the hernia we also found $20 in change [me who's always been a good tipper] you're welcome
@Jake_Vig: Someone just gave the agenda for the "third half" of our meeting. Guessing it won't involve fractions.
@truegritrumble: FRIEND: Try to relate to her. (Later on Date) ME: *nervously* Can I be your cousin?
@EndhooS: [Last supper] Jesus: Same time next week guys? *they all nod* Judas: I'll book a table for 12 Jesus: you mean 13 Judas: yeah..13, I meant 13