My phone just told me my network was unstable.
Same, girl. Same.
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Maybe it’s just me, but I know a few people that Cupid should shoot with a gun.
Choose your fighter
Gonna spend the day staring at the Sun. Eclipse practice.
“I have found our arguments quite useful – almost as useful as those I had with my father.” – Spock and the guy I end up marrying.
God: you’re a mosquito.
Mosquito: what does that mean?
God: you feed on blood.
Mosquito: i’m a vampire?
God: no.
Mosquito: oh.
God: you can fly.
Mosquito: i’m a vampire!
God: no.
Mosquito: oh.
God: garlic repels you.
Mosquito: [happy gasp] i’m an itty-bitty vampire!
I’ve spent the better part of my day trying to figure out why “mustache” & “headache” don’t rhyme.
Me: *ordering “Boyfriend jeans” online* OMG I can’t wait for them to get here, I wonder what kind of boyfriend they come with!
I don’t think my blind date was blind, she read the menu and caught the basketball I threw at her
Waiting in line for a bathroom stall that was empty the entire time is not even the most embarrassing thing I’ve done today
I was first in line
How did you break your leg?
[flashes back to tripping over couch] I twisted it while pushing a toddler out of the way of an oncoming train.
Okay, good. We’ve made Oreos with more Stuff, but now we need to make each Oreo bigger. I want an Oreo that’s a two-hander
I’m going bananas!
*What I tell my bananas when I’m leaving the house.
“I’ll never understand why people can’t sleep with a closet door open” I say while making sure my feet don’t hang over the side of the bed.
Husband: Did your friend Kathy have her baby boy?
Me: She had a girl.
H: Oh.
Me: Yeah, she’s 5 now.
I asked my wife if she thought alligators could get aids and she showed me all these studies on how their blood can be used to fight autoimmune diseases and then I didn’t have the heart to tell her I was just trying to make a Gatorade joke.
My wife just pulled me into the other room and I thought she wanted to have a serious talk but she just wanted to give me m&m’s without the kids seeing.
(Sigh)
I used to float like a butterfly and sting like a bee.
Now I sleep like a bear and eat like a horse…
CHASE: Hi we are calling to check for fraud you spent $40 at 7/11
ME: Yea
CHASE: Then you went to Taco Bell at 3am
ME: Are these questions
The neighbors left a perfectly good doll at the curb with their trash and I’ve seen enough horror movies to know to leave it there.
Don’t go to the library; go to the truthbrary!
Pro tip:
Singing “Into the great wide open” is never ok during sex
Her: Whats that mouth do boo?
Me: Probably say something stupid.
When one door closes, I lock it.
I’m not chancing someone else getting in.
ME: does this apartment have a pizza cellar
REALTOR: again, i dont know what that is
I keep my wine glasses on the top shelf to make sure I stretch daily.
Me: Remember, you’re grounded today.
8-year-old: Why?
Me: For what you did last night.
8: You were supposed to forget about that.
Unless you’re a direct descendent of a horse, don’t chew with your mouth open.
husband: we should role play tonight
me: ok you be our hot neighbor Chad
husband: huh, that’s oddly specific
me: listen Chad, it’s inappropriate that you’re in my bedroom please leave my husband will be home soon and we’re probably gonna do it
So, nothing rhymes with orange, huh?
*changes name to MC Orange, wins every rap battle, and retires undefeated*