Motel 6: We’ll leave a light on.
Motel 6’s Dad: You will not.
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11 hours into my 13 hour fast and the smell of bacon fills every inch of the house
I’m going for a walk …. a very long walk!
Cereal is a satisfying way to start the day if you’re having another breakfast within 45 minutes.
Wife: But the zoo told you never to come back
Me: [loading hotdogs into shotgun] Those giraffes can’t live on salad, Eleanor
Teacher: I’m worried because your daughter keeps spelling her name T-R-M-N-L.
Me: but I just taught her how to spell PAIGE.
Teacher: tell me what you told her.
Me: P as in Pterodactyl, A as in Artist, I as in Imaginary, G as in Gnat, and E as in Elephant.
I love secret agent movies. You can never tell they’re hiding in plain sight because they are wearing all black and talking to themselves
The First Rule of Menopause Club:
We don’t talk PERIOD.
Learning to cook watching the Food Network. Today I made a puréed nut spread with a grape reduction on brioche bread…
Me: You’re going to daycare today
3: Okay
Me: We’re almost at daycare
3: Okay
Me: We’re at daycare
3: *bursts into tears*
Me: Why are you crying?!
3: I didn’t know I was going to daycare
Friend: You have guacamole on your face.
Me: *wipes it off with finger, smears it on her cheek*
You have guacamole on your face.
Scotch neat please
Umm…this is a Starbucks
*sigh
Ok a scotch “grande”
Would a rose by any other name still let Jack die?
Idk guys, life has never thrown me lemons.
Social anxiety, insomnia, mental breakdowns, drugs and eating disorders..
But never lemons.
Hoping my son just tells me he knows I’m the tooth fairy so I don’t break my back trying to ninja this dollar under his pillow tonight
If the final comments of your speech last 45 minutes, please don’t preface them with “and lastly”.
“Dad I think there’s a monster in my room”
-Seriously? You’re 33 years old. You live in a different state.
“Just put mom on the phone”
ME: I’m gonna punch my boss right on the nose
PRIEST: you can’t tell me about sins in advance
Me: Dad, how did you guys manage without WhatsApp and SMS ??
Dad: We used to keep useless information to ourselves.
My youngest has confused “vegan” with “cannibal” and we just discovered this today.
A lot of conversations that we had this past week are making more sense now.
Also, her adamant refusal to eat a slice of vegan cake.
picking up knife:
picking up knife in movie: *SHING*
*ransom note on gun*
[1 million dollars by Friday or I shoot your daughter. No exceptions]
[ps please mail gun back it’s my only one]
There is no idea so bad that it cannot be made to look brilliant with the right application of fonts and colours
Always surround yourself with people who are successful, because people who are successful always have money to bail you out jail
Might start a YouTube channel “will it hurt if i drop it on my foot”
Trying to get home and now I have to complete a side quest
I’m sorry I hurt your feelings. Here’s a bag of frozen peas for any swelling.
Thought it would be romantic to recreate the 12 Days of Christmas, but having 23 game birds indoors is actually a hellish nightmare.
At my funeral –
The pastor: “She was truly an angel that fell from heaven”
My ex, whispering to my other ex: “So was Lucifer!”
I just passed a beer truck on the highway.
“Wait a minute. I’m named after beer?!!?”
-My 6 yr old son, Miller
I want you all to understand this might be the funniest tiktok of an animal I have seen in a long time.
I love the smell of a camp fire. It reminds me of the night we kille….
…..I just love smell of campfires.