Motel 6: We’ll leave the light on for you.
Motel 6’s Dad: What am I, made of money?
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Cigarettes have warning labels because they are dangerous and addictive yet vaginas are allowed to just roam around freely.
“Sorry about this, but I ran out of allergy medicine and it’s spring,” I say to the frightened pharmacy clerk through my hazmat suit.
listen kid, i have social media profiles older than you
[first Captain to go down with the ship]
Captain: are you sure this a thing? I feel like this isn’t really a thing.
Crew: [already rowing away in the lifeboat]
Clerk: we’re not that kind of mom and pop shop
Batman: *eyes welling*
Joan of Arc was great, but nothing compared to her sister, Joan of Circumference, who was a much more rounded person.
My daughter asked if she could marry her brother when she got older and I was SO uncomfortable because I was NOT ready to tell her about Alabama yet
Oh I can’t, my doctor said I should cut back on people.
Things I learnt from Avatar:
– Kill Smurfs while they’re still young.
I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.
When God invented snakes he was like do you want legs or do you want to look like a scary belt, too late scary belt
Me: *paddles kayak in circles until someone comes out to help me*
Them: You need some help out here?
Me: Can you bring me a beer?
Gordon Ramsay: Can you explain to me why this kitchen is so ghastly? Do you ever even clean?!
Manager: I have an elite cleaning team working tirelessly in this restaurant.
Cat on Roomba: *rolls by making unbroken eye contact*
M: …ignore that.
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
Whoever got my Steam account for Christmas plz realize those Japanese dress up games are for research only, I don’t enjoy them. Plz understa
(telling a ghost story)
You know those knocking noises you hear at night? That’s adulthood coming for you!*all the adults start screaming*
Cop cars aren’t very intimidating. Add a crazy plow covered in blood, an anarchy symbol and spinning saw blades and I’ll stop in a heartbeat
The key to being a good conversationalist is giving a great conversationalist room to talk
Hey, remember me from last night? You gave me the wrong number but I found you on Facebook. I’m on your porch. Can I come in?
Today’s fortune cookie reads: ‘you are the only human in this restaurant don’t look up’
Doubt I’ll ever forget this scene 😂
Them: What is your favorite thing to go hiking with?
Me: My car.
Wait…you said JAZZ hands? Oh god. I totally misheard you. Please get me a towel.
At first I thought my daughter was sick because she was sluggish and laid on the couch on her phone all day, but then I realized those were just symptoms of day 4 of Christmas break.
Haunted Houses should be open year round. Some of us want to get chased with a chainsaw in January.
[ascending to heaven] oh wow I can’t believe I made it
[passing heaven by and going towards the sun] ok fair
[playing hangman]
wife: Pick a letter
son: Does it have to be from the alphabet?
me *gets up*
wife
*sound of his college fund jar breaking*
My son just said he’s going to call me “Squishy” to match my stomach and now I need to have another kid just so I can have a favorite
I wonder if the guy who coined the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases.