Motel 6: We’ll leave the light on for you.
Motel 6’s Dad: What am I, made of money?
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GUY: how’s it going?
ME [scraping the ‘us’ off my Prius]: well it’s not going great, Ron
date: i think i’m going to leave.
me: [absolutely covered with seaweed] but your bio said you LIKED long walks on the beach.
A romcom where I go to stop you at the airport, except I go to Cinnabon & then forget why I’m at the airport.
my allegiance to alligators is based on a gut feeling. you see, the crocodile deliberately looks like he wants me dead, and as soon as possible. the alligator appears to give less of a shit, generally. so i’m like, sure, that’s something we can deal with. that’s a starting point
ME: I’m seeing a little water staining on the ceiling. There must be a leak somewhere.
CONTRACTOR: When are you noticing it most?
ME: When I look up.
Car’s automatic gearbox shit itself and I was staring down the barrel of a £7.5k repair job, gingerly drove the car home to ‘think it over’ and someone drove right up my arse and wrote it off. I couldn’t stop smiling at the side of the road, the guy thought I was a psychopath.
If only we’d had some kind of warning that a pandemic would pandemic.
88% of parenting is begging your kids to blow their nose.
son you’re getting older and one way I show my trust in you is letting you tackle some tough jobs on your own;
bathing the cat for starters
We never discuss the elephant in the room at family gatherings; my siblings just toss peanuts at me.
Sometimes I think I have indigestion and gas but then I remember that Jesus lives inside us all.
I’m working on inventing an electronic Ouija board so that I can keep tweeting after I die.
I helped a little old lady at the market today.. She was too short to grab a box of cereal from the top shelf, so I stood on her shoulders!
These people act like they’ve never seen anyone wearing a Speedo in a laundromat before.
My 3-year-old said she wants her first car to be a garbage truck. She’ll forget about it, but I’m still getting her one when she turns 16.
If I ever find someone I love as much as pizza…
…I will kill them. Nobody comes between me and pizza.
[at roller rink]
My fanny pack is filled with marbles in case I need to create a diversion.
No one lies to themself more than the person that says they’ll do the dishes after they “relax for a little bit”.
ME: You bring that cash you owe me?
ELEPHANT: Oh, sorry man, I forgot.
ME: No you didn’t.
If you can’t beat them
Just try sunny side up
“It’s a girl!” but it’s just my family finding out that our dog is not a boy like we thought for the last two months.
Every time I play guitar at home, my wife goes looking for a cat we don’t have.
You look like you come from a long line of restraining orders.
The baby’s favorite food is strawberries and she calls them, “the babies.” We got looks in the store when she asked loudly to eat the babies
Look, we don’t expect animals to be nice to strangers right away when they meet them, they need to sniff you to out a little bit to decide if you’re okay or not…. So how come when I do it people are like “Oh, she’s being weird again”
6YO: Can I eat a cookie?
Me: Finish your dinner first
6YO: My stomach is full except for a circle shaped space
“Let’s just kill ALL the characters”
-Game of Thrones
[first day in the army]
me: hi I like your slacks
him: stop calling them slacks they’re camo pants
me: ok but I also like your blouse
Me: *covers foot with blanket*
Monster 1: *about to grab my foot anyway*
Monster 2: *quickly pulling him back* NO. we have to respect the blanket Franklin
Jenga, but it’s just me, pulling salad out of my sandwich.