[moth meeting]
Moth: I was thinking, since we all love the light so much why don’t we come out during the day?
Head moth: no, we fly into lamps until we die
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I’m so grateful when people tell me to drive safe cause then I remember not to drive off that cliff.
nintendo: so you hate doing chores, right
me: totally
nintendo: and you hate working a job
me: so much
nintendo: what if you did all that while hopelessly in debt to a capitalist raccoon?
me: will it be cute
nintendo: so cute
me: then i will do it for 20,000 hours
if your Snapchat story is just one straight minute of you driving and singing along to a song I’m showing your insurance company bc honestly I’m tired of it
[outside bar]
angry guy: [rips off shirt, puts up fists]
me: [carefully removes jacket & shirt, spends a full minute folding them neatly using the KonMari method]
angry guy: omg this is literally why I wanna hit u
I am the King of the Universe and I have a son and he occasionally appears on grilled-cheese sandwiches. #yup
Me: Is there anyone who is dead to me right now that wants to talk?
Him: I’m right here!
Me, moving planchette across Ouija board: I M S O R R Y
Him: That’s not what I said
Me, moving planchete:
I W A S W R O N G
No thanks, Cosmo. I already know 20 ways to drive my man crazy in the bedroom. Any room really. Unintentionally. I’m difficult to be with.
21st century kid on Santa’s lap-“Yo santa, some more insta followers would be real dope for Christmas. Thanks bruh bruh”
I threw a ball for my dog.
Extravagant, I know.
But he looks amazing in a tuxedo.
[after dinner]
Mugger: gimme your wallet.
Me: can I keep my drivers license?
Mugger: fine.
Me: [velcro sound].
Mugger: I can’t be seen with that.
Me: oh.
Mugger: gimme your shoes instead.
Me: [velcro sound].
Mugger: you know what forget it.
me: this leaf blower is doing more harm than good. i want a refund
store manager: that’s a rocket launcher
[First date]
Me: What do you prefer, flat or sparkling?
Him: Water?
Me: No, my personality.
Favourite diary entry ever
As a child I had the impression that I would be offered free drugs by strangers much more frequently than the 0 times it’s happened.
Her: you know what really makes my mouth water?
Me *slowly closes the menu* salivary glands
2022 Jesus turns water into gasoline.
Potty training my twins is like the Titanic’s maiden voyage… In the beginning we are excited, in the end everyone is crying and all wet.
My grocery store changed its whole layout. It was better the other way so I’m slowly and quietly moving everything back.
Her skin was like porcelain. Toiletface, they called her.
McDonalds food takes so long because they have to mold the clay, paint the items and then spray them with real food smell
[airport security]
*BEEP*
Ma’am, step through again
*BEEP*
Nice try pal, I’m not removing my Slayer shirt
Ma’am, please it’s too much metal
Million Dollar Idea: Teach pugs to DJ, create a new genre of music…pugstep.
It appears that late last night someone broke into the house and ate all the ice cream in the freezer. I’ve volunteered to lead the investigation but I doubt we’ll ever find the guy who did it
I’ve lost my sense of taste! Do I have the CODIV!! Oh, wait, this is a Coors Light.
I live in Texas. If I buy four bags of ice I have approximately 3/4 of a cup of ice when I get home.
[loudly in front of a bunch of ducks] “OH NO I SEEM TO HAVE BROUGHT TOO MUCH BREAD WITH ME WHATEVER SHALL I DO?” *ducks try to play it cool*
the Mona Lisa looks like someone’s told a joke and she’s trying to be polite but doesn’t quite get it
44.65
*click*
44.87*click*
44.96*click*
44.98*click*
44.99*click*
45.01~ gas pumps
I was attacked by two different owls. I think they were in cahoots.
I’m older than the internet. When I was a kid we didn’t Google things, we had to ask our parents and then carefully filter through the bullshitery