Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest
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I had children for two reasons; I wanted to start a loving family, and I needed a quick excuse to leave things.
I like that parents of every generation have collectively agreed to keep the “a special chemical will turn the water (arbitrary contrast color) if you pee in the pool” lie going.
I’m convinced the first ‘Kirsten’ was a typo. Everyone was like, “Yeah, obvious misspelling but she’s pretty cool so whatever,” and now we can’t get rid of ‘em because we let that first one slide
6: I hate corona virus!
Me: When it’s over you’ll have to wake up early to get to school on time.
6: I DON’T WANT IT TO BE OVER!
[Fortnite with 9]
9 y/o: Dad can I make you party leader?
Me: Sure, why?
9 y/o: So we can have easier matches since you’re so bad.
Ever since those 2 weeks in 2008 when no one noticed I was missing, I won’t go into a corn maze without a machete.
Time zones are amazing! Here in New Zealand it’s tomorrow, in America it’s yesterday and in North Korea it’s 1980.
12 *randomly*: Hey, Mama, can I make a twitter account?
Me: *choking on coffee & coughing* No
12: What age do I have to be to make an account on there?
Me: 98
Justify your alcoholism by having children.
If I ever get pregnant, I’m dying my hair green & getting more tattoos, so when the kid rebels he’ll go to a good college & become a doctor.
Just seen a really sad documentary on the telly about a guy who works 60 hours a week crushing drink cans. It was soda pressing.
Why do birds
Suddenly appear
Every time
You are near?
Just like me
You’re secretly
Made of bread
The inventor of the elevator should be credited for the birth of awkward silence as well.
Throws caution into the wind.
Comes back and hits me in the face.
When’s dinner?
-My kids an hour after finishing Thanksgiving dinner
Instead of saying “I lost 35 pounds”,
say, “I lost half a super-model”
You don’t realize how old a movie is until you see the computer in it
Writing cuss words on the white space of textbook pages is marginally offensive.
ME: How do you spell ‘inferno’?
BOSS: What?
ME: I’m writing an email
BOSS: Oh my god, the building is on fire!!
ME: Yeah, that’s probably a better way of wording it
society: let’s give mothers their very own day
me: what about sharks?
society: we’ll give them a whole week
Me: Is there something wrong with your pasta?
4-year-old: It’s not a doughnut.
[etched on my tombstone]
THE DIET STARTS TOMORROW
reduce, reuse, recycle
At some point in your life people stopped getting excited when you finished all the food on your plate.
6yo: Mommy, I hope you don’t have the doctor cut your belly open to get the baby out.
4yo: Yeah, hopefully they just do the way where they squeeze it out.
Me: I’m not sure either of you really understands how labor and delivery works.
Texting my wife when we were dating – What are you wearing?
Texting my wife now – Did the dog poop?
I still think “nonfungible” sounds like it means “cannot be turned into a mushroom”.
[creation of insects]
LIGHTNING BUG: I will illuminate the night
BEE: I will pollinate flowers
FLY: I will eat shit and die
Extra car key
Extra house key
Extra storage unit key
Key to an extra apartment with a liquor cabinet– Keys to a successful relationship
The first rule of kite club is you do not talk about Benjamin Franklin.