Mother Goose: I need some ideas for my nursery rhymes.
Me: a young boy and girl fall down a hill and the boy suffers a head injury.
Mother Goose: what? these are for children
Me:
Mother Goose:
Me: an egg falls off a wall and dies.
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[Bomb will explode in 26 seconds]
*googles “how to defuse a bomb”*
*clicks top result*
*it’s a 17-page slideshow.*
GODDAMMIT
*an ad plays*
This morning I noticed my neighbor was talking to her cat. It was obvious the poor woman thought her cat understood her.
When I got home I told my dog about it. We laughed so much!
Myth: Have kids close in age. It gets easier and they’ll have a friend to play with
Fact: They’ll fight. Every hour. Every day.
cop: are you sure your identity’s been stolen
: very
Some people exercise every day.
I’m trying to teach my self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house.
Overheard on the bus:
“Stop eavesdropping on our conversation, it’s creepy and you won’t get any funny tweets out of it”
Guys, ladies love a rugged man.
Be like a wolf.
Knock down her house.
Eat her grandmother.
Tear her to shreds.
*makes wolf sounds
Taylor Swift tweeted a picture of her cat watching the Olympics and just as I suspected, Taylor’s bedroom looks like a giant doily.
Hey guys with your phone in a hip holster, is it because your purse is too full with tampons?
“Dad, what caused the Great Fire of London?”
[googles but can’t get wifi] Well son, that’s when Bach dropped the most fire mixtape of 1666
Boss: I’m afraid I’m going to have to let you go
Me (a trapeze artist): Now!?!?
Adding “Noted muralist” to Wile E. Coyote’s Wikipedia page.
If you’re smuggling booze into a concert, put the bottle under a handful of tampons and go to the young male bag checker. they get embarrassed and immediately close your bag. works every time — even more so if you’re a dude
Every morning, I jog around my block 15 times. Then I pick the block up and put it back with the rest of it’s little Lego friends.
Walk around with the same confidence of a toddler who has chosen their own clothes.
If my kids knew there was a light in the oven, they’d leave that one on too.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who wanted his peanut butter and jelly sandwich cut into triangles until you cut it into triangles
“Did he dump me because the AI told him to dump me?”
It was the third time that summer they’d dug up her garden, and Barbara decided it was time to send the bunnies a message.
Scavenger Hunt Party
Give your guests a list of all the things you can’t find and set them loose in your home.
Me as a therapist: omg same
When you decorate your whole house for Christmas, what you’re really saying is “I’m not going to dust for at least a month.”
me: *holding my black eye* honey I’m home
wife: what happened to you?
me: I met a celebrity this morning
wife: and….
[earlier at the car wash]
optimus prime: are you watching me shower!?
Opened the oven door after breakfast was done to let the warm air out into the kitchen because we already paid for that heat.
Not muting your mic is the new reply all
*playing hide & seek with my group*
5: I’m only going to count to ten
Me: why?
5: because I haven’t grown more fingers yet
ME: please show me the posts in the order that they were made
COMPUTER: thats too hard. heres some tweets i think are good. Do you like this
Omg what if Nate was short for Nathryn
Person: Have you thought about having more kids??
Husband: No, but we’ve thought about having less.
SORTING HAT: this kid’s a piece of shit uh I mean slytherin