I see your Full House and I raise you 3 episodes of Home Improvement.
-Me, not knowing how to play poker, but loving 90’s TV
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Body: I need water.
Me: Diet Coke?
Body: No, water.
Me: Wine?
Body: NO, WATER!
Me: Coffee it is.
Fact: bears do defecate in the woods, but sometimes light candles to help with the smell and that’s what causes forest fires.
Son: Smell me. Do you think I should shower?
Me: Yes.
Son: But you didn’t smell me.
Me: Yes.
In response to McDonald’s pay with hugs campaign, Nationwide will allow you to pay for insurance with DEATH.
I had to have stupid emergency laser eye surgery today and I never thought my eyes would be the first to betray me but they’ve seen some shit at this point so I guess it makes sense.
A horror movie but the killer wears flip flops so there’s an ominous “thwip thwip” sound as he hunts you down.
me: how can I impress my date
friend: buy her dinner
me: ok
[later at the restaurant]
her: what?me: I said how much do you want for your burger?
[restaurant]
WAITER: Would you like a booth or a table?
TERMITE: [handing back menu] The table sounds delicious, thanks
Just saw my parents having sex. That’s the last time I go onto that website.
[deathbed]
Son….come closer
“Yes dad?”
We need a new man of the house
“I’d-”
*presses fake mustache into his hands*
Give this to your sister
I never know at which syllable to stop when saying banananananana
my friends and all our dads listening to the laser tag employee give the instructions:
The same mosquito kept biting me last night. He probably thought he was at a wine tasting event.
Me: was the “also” because the sun SETS or because the MOON rises?
Hemingway: couldn’t you have picked someone living to have dinner with
The best thing about wearing socks all the time is being able to clean coffee spills without lifting a finger.
Flat Earth is a conspiracy invented by Big Aluminum to sell more foil.
Men should stop taking Viagra and start trying anxiety. That shit keeps you up way longer.
In an attempt to build some exercise into my daily routine, I’ve put the biscuits on a higher shelf. Boy, I’m gonna be sore tomorrow.
Don’t worry guys, my wife just turned the car radio down so we shouldn’t be lost much longer.
maybe there is no I in team but I see there is a goat in go team, so that’s fun
Convicted of murdering the English language, he was sentenced to death by elocution.
My youngest son’s dirty clothes sit on the floor, beneath the laundry chute.
I admire his hope that they’ll bounce up and swish down.
Remember being a kid and looking up to adults because you thought they were smart?
LOL
Sephora employee: “you have 70000 points, you can choose from any of these things”
In 8th grade my teacher told me if I didn’t stop talking I wouldn’t remember anything from her class. Well, 20+ years later, and I’m here to tell her she was totally wrong. I remember Craig. The boy who sat next to me and ate his scabs.
Went to the grocery store hungry. I didn’t need to pay rent this month anyway.
Wife: I think we need a break.
*Titanic crashes into iceberg*Husband: THAT WHAT YOU WANTED?
Wife: Yes.
This has to be a terrible time for roadstop serial killers
My organic chemistry class was at 7am and the teacher stressed how important it was for us to get enough sleep… so I slept in class.
doctor: do you smoke?
me: only after sex
doctor: *notices my “gamers don’t die they just respawn” shirt* you can just say yes