Mother in law just said global warming with air quotes. It’s going to be a long night.
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me, as a child: *walks into the kitchen covered in my own blood holding a rabbit I fought from a hawk*
my mom, on the phone: *mouthing* I’m on the phone
My boss has stopped letting me leave early for my son’s Little League games ever since he learned he’s in his second year of college.
If you do not stop arguing I WILL turn this car around and around and around creating a time vortex teleporting me back to before I had kids
The wife says our marriage is boring so I replaced the air freshner in the bathroom with an air horn
My wife caught me looking at a seagull at the beach so now we’re in this big fight.
Arguing w him is like playing Pictionary w/ the person who draws one weird little shape and just keeps circling it over and over and over.
[Kitchen]
*I open the swear jar to discover someone used the last swear yet put the empty jar back in the refrigerator*
ME: {dead air but my mouth is moving}
If Wile E. Coyote and the Roadrunner taught me one thing it’s that when someone is mildly annoying you should devote the remainder of your life to destroying them.
Skipping is exercise…that’s why I’m always skipping the gym.
Me: (after eating 12 fudgesicles)
Ok. Time to get to work.You: You can actually buy popsicle sticks at any craft store.
Me: Don’t question my art.
The sign at the zoo said “Please Don’t Touch The Animals” so I put away the book of poetry I was reading to them.
Me: I’m not getting older. I’m getting bitter.
Autocorrect: Did you mean “better”?
Me: No.
If I could travel back in time I’d probably forget why I went as soon as I got there.
My kids kept crawling under the table at a restaurant so I told them the floor is lava. Follow me for other hot parenting tips.
It takes a big man to admit when he’s got a problem, but it takes an even bigger man to help me bring all these beers in from the car.
[Christmas]
6:30—kids are excited
7:30—kids are playing
8:00—kids are fighting
9:00—kids are crying
9:15—wife is yelling
9:30—I am drinking
Ran into an old friend who said that they thought I was dead. It was nice catching up.
I refuse to eat spaghetti in front of someone new until I’m sure that our relationship can survive the spectacle
Me: Can you call my phone so I can find it?
Teen: UUGGHH. Can’t I just text you?
Narrator: She found her phone. After 387 text messages.
13-year-old: I need cool clothes.
Me: I think your clothes now are pretty cool.
13: That’s the problem
Boss: Can I have a word?
Me: Color
Boss: No, I want a word with YOU
Me: Colour
Friend: I’m pregnant
Me: You should have just got a dog
The most dangerous game but it’s just me seeing how many pages of a kids book I can skip at bedtime
Me: Necessity is the mother of Invention
Necessity (my wife): I still can’t believe I let you talk me into naming her that
Invention: *crying*
Shake what your momma gave you.
*shakes unemployed brother*
[first date]
Damn girl, are you ordering a third omelette? Then omelette you pay this bill! Lol!
No but seriously I forgot my wallet.
[shopping for school supplies with kids]
7 year old: What’s the bottle of champagne for?
I’m going to buy a black Escalade with dark tint so my neighbors will think I joined the cartel and they’ll stop inviting me to over to their house.
I used to wonder how anybody could possibly drop a cell phone in the toilet. Used to.