Mother Paper Bag: We need to talk.
Teen Bag: *removes earbud* What?
M: Your father was plastic.
T: But –
M: It’s true. You’re a mixed bag.
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[In cubicle at work]
*pretends to start clipping my nails*
*tosses uncooked grains of rice onto co-workers desk with each clip*
CW: WTF!
[first day as a sports announcer]
*clears throat*
*taps mic twice*
Me: sprots
Stupid people who suddenly make a smart decision have no idea how confusing that is for the rest of us.
Announcer: “Welcome to the Super Bowl 50 Halftime Show. Are you ready to rock?!”
[crowd goes nuts]
A: “Well too bad, here’s Coldplay”
[Clown College]
Teacher: Ok so balloon animals are pretty simple, you ju-
Pennywise: *raising hand*
Teacher: Any questions that are NOT about eating children?
Pennywise: *sadly putting hand down*
[Grim Reaper arrives at my door]
ME: oh no, is it my time?!
GR: Oh no, I’m just coming for that last tweet you posted. That thing’s been dying for hours…
I saw a guy drink a coke in the store and pay for it later, but I’d barely gotten the cork out of this wine bottle before the manager confronted me.
Alien dad telling everyone to remember they parked the UFO in Springfield then a montage of them discovering how many Springfields there are.
A crab has one big arm because that’s the one he uses to bring all the groceries in.
Reminder that April is Procrastination Awareness Month. It’s finally my time to shine…
Aw beans
You hang up
“No, you hang up”
You hang up first!
– Bats going to bed
Funny how airport security always “randomly” chooses me for physical checking. Even when I’m not even at the airport and chilling at home.
Me: I can’t wait to say goodbye to 2021!
2022: *Somehow already on fire*
How long do I need to wait after getting the vaccine before I can start wiping my boogers on strangers in public again?
My mom shared an old picture of my brother and I on FB today. Wanted to make sure Debbie knew what was up.
Welcome to IKEA. I see you need a new Fyrkantig for your Dagstorp.
Me:How do you pronounce that?
*sound of corduroy pants rubbing together
i have feelings for you. frustration mostly, but still
The 1st cup was used in 1874, the 1st helmet was used in 1974. It only took 100 years to learn our brain is also important.
OH AND JUST FYI…. THE BAGS UNDER MY EYES ARE LOUIS VUITTON
government: let’s reopen stuff.
public: ummmm…
guy who sells death certificate printers: let’s hear him out…
Them: What would you do with a million dollars?
Me: Pay off student loans.
Them: And with the rest?
Me: lol “the rest.”
“We survived WW2 we can get through Brexit!”
“Gareth you are 41 and have never even gone paintballing what the absolute shit are you talking about”
I was wondering how lightning worked, then it struck me.
The lead singer of Chumbawamba died earlier today. During his autopsy his body got knocked down…and that’s when things got interesting.
Might have to change my avi if people keep asking: “Which one is the dog?”
Kong’s very sensitive.
[ first day as job recruiter ]
me: {on phone} i have a job at a bank for your wife
him: teller?
me: yes that’s why I’m calling
*watching TV*
*pours bowl of Grape-Nuts*
*turns on closed captions*
i am developing a ground brekaing new app called “MOneyWallet”, where you earn “Money Points” by mailing cash to my house
An interracial couple eating Cheerios and non-English speakers drinking Coke. We’re a Benghazi pizza commercial away from a Texas secession.