Mother Paper Bag: We need to talk.
Teen Bag: *removes earbud* What?
M: Your father was plastic.
T: But –
M: It’s true. You’re a mixed bag.
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Somebody’s car alarm is going off outside my house. Not surprisingly really because I live in the bad part of 1992.
Every Red Hot Chili Peppers song has a part where it sounds like they’re trying to guess words for a crossword puzzle.
Most problems can be traced back to the day you were forced to watch your teacher put a condom on an unsuspecting banana
Her: could you not do that?
Me: but I’m just being me
Her: OK, good. So you understand the problem.
I just wish I was rich enough to be able to throw all of the pots and pans away after I cook.
crossbreed every type of dog until all you’re left with is an everything beagle
If Amazon boxes become the currency of the post-apocalyptic world my family will be rich.
Mom’s out of town, so I suggested we get ice cream for dinner and the kids said no.
I’m totally failing parenting
so proud of america. only 8 years after electing first black pres, we’re considering electing our first orange one
I’m not the type of superstitious idiot who worries about bad luck on Friday 13th. That’s silly. Me, I just take off to a nice quiet cabin in the woods, slaughter a pack of over-sexed teenagers, then kick back and chill.
Look kid, you can’t die from embarrassment. Believe me, I’ve tried.
My friend and I had a running joke. She said let’s do a marathon and then we both laughed.
Maths meets science
There you go again, overusing big words like some kind of tweeting sesquipedalian.
Idiot.
God’s Wife: I just need some space!
God: (passive aggressively creates the universe)
Grammar Nazi hiding in Argentina captured after being baited on social media with an inappropriate you’re usage
[drops son off for 1st day at daycare]
“Ok, Mr Hughes, see you at 3 o’clock.”
“Not a chance. He’s your problem now.”
Facebook Uncles 600 years ago would just be like ‘ya but Vlad The Impaler has some really strong job numbers’
He took both kids grocery shopping by himself so I could “relax” so now I’m sitting here suspicious that he’s done something to piss me off.
My 6yo just told me that because I need music to get motivated that makes me ‘radioactive’
I wish I had the confidence in humanity that Guinness had when they bought a 9,000 year lease.
If you believe a food is 0 calories hard enough, it becomes true.
Follow me for more health advice
1) Bake cake.
2) Don’t cut it into pieces.
3) Eat the whole thing.
4) Claim I ate “only one piece of cake.”
Quarantine, day 14. Me and my boyfriend spent the whole day setting up an art gallery for our gerbil.
A recent study states that people should only shower every 3-4 days. “Stop being an idiot,” said one wife who lives in my house.
My wife said to me: “If you won the lottery, would you still love me?” I said: “Of course I would. I’d miss you, but I’d still love you.”
Wife: is that our guinea pig?
Me: yes and I’ve named her gwyn
Wife: why
Me: *whispers* gwyny pig
There’s a line in 30 rock where Kenneth mentions that the mayor of his hometown is a female horse and I just today realized a female horse is called a mare. She’s the mare of the town.
I’m sorry your tc cheated on you with their spouse, will you please stop writing poems now