Motherhood is when your child looks like a sparkling cherub and you look like a steaming pile of nope.
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Sometimes you have to stop tweeting to have an alibi for ignoring texts.
Why do they call it a ‘reading of the will’ and not a dead giveaway?
[Office]
Secretary: Mr. Grey will see you now.
Anastasia Steele: I have a ridiculous name.
The danger of me asking why people don’t like Taylor Swift’s new boyfriend is that someone might tell me.
Even my imaginary friend got bored and left me a note saying ‘we should see other people’
Baby, tonight let’s put the kids to bed, pour some wine, turn the lights down low & argue over whose turn it is to move the Elf on the Shelf
I wouldn’t say I’m fragile, but I am always about three drinks away from grabbing the scissors and chopping off all my hair.
everyone hates my volcano jokes, but i LAV-a them!
(my loneliness is paralyzing)
I’m giving dirty looks to this dad at the cafe whose kid is being obnoxious but he’s not doing anything about it so I guess I’m going to have to deal with it because he’s my kid too or whatever.
Life cycle of cat
[job interview]
“Any weaknesses?”
I pick fights for no reason
“Can you explain?”
*leans in way too close* Are we gonna have a problem?
Americans who pronounce Z like Ted are given Canadian citizenship, free Timbits for life, and one pet baby moose.
Upon graduation from the University of Phoenix, do they just send you a screencap of your degree?
Professor X: what’s your superpower?
Me: forgetting everyone‘s name immediately after we met
Professor whatshisname: get out
Ibuprofen, youbuprofen, weallbuprofen.
“Quinoa” sounds like something a ninja would say before kicking you.
More Origins
Ant Man: bit by a radioactive ant
Daredevil: bit a radioactive devil (on a dare)
Captain America: bit by a radioactive america
My daughter quickly pulled my glasses off and threw them on the floor, and out of habit, I gave her my lunch money and stuffed myself in a locker.
When people show up unexpectedly for dinner:
Tonight we have slow boiled hot dog sat upon Dempsters bun with a tomato puree beside carrot sticks and crispy potato patty garnished with strawberry slices
I’m walking more to lose weight in order to help my knees feel better. Walking more is making my knees sore.
The moral of the story?
Don’t have knees.
Eating my 8 spiders on New Years Day this year to get it out of the way
Walk into the club like whatup OWW
Walk into the mace like what DAMN
Walk into the sword like wha *dies*
*flunks gladiator school*
Whoever coined the term “gross profit” wasn’t getting paid for their job.
You can always win an argument if you set them on fire.
[job interview]
Me: Time travel
Boss: What is your biggest stren—WHAT?!
Coworker : I just like to go with the flow.
Me : Flow away, I’m busy.
Pizza delivery guy just rang my doorbell & I didn’t order pizza. Told him he had wrong house, one of the hardest things I’ve ever done.
My kids drop ice cubes on the floor, I dont pick them up anymore, I just wait about 30 minutes so I can lose it when I step in the water spot.