Motherhood is when your child looks like a sparkling cherub and you look like a steaming pile of nope.
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i have a lot to offer! most of it’s bad but it’s still a lot
*steals machine parts all year*
*gets coal for xmas*
“Santa you idiot, the parts were for a pressure chamber”
*turns coal into diamond*
Interviewer: It says in your CV that you are quick at maths. What is 23 x 39?
Me: 69.
Interviewer: That’s not even close.
Me: No, but it was quick, isn’t it?
Nervously, I close the bag. “No way,” I tell myself. “It’s not like she’s gonna count the fries.” I start to sweat.
Friend: just be yourself.
Me: Be myself? Be myself?!
Some of the most successful people I know aren’t myself. That’s horrible advice
My dribbled milkshake stains bring all the dry cleaners to my yard
My man put me on eBay, that’s right, I got bidnapped
Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.
Contact me if there’s an emergency. This includes if you’re planning on giving your pet a stupid name.
I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.
I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.
This summer, camp counselors all over the country will shine flashlights under their chins and read the headlines.
Neighbor kid brought other kids to visit today and I’m thinking about sending them all home with cats. That’s the risk you take when you let your children wander into my yard.
me a half hour into explaining the future to a time traveller: I don’t know how they did it but im glad they did
guy from the 1600’s: and they’re called dortios?
I’ve never seen the movie Snakes On A Plane. What’s it about?
Hey! This is your home!
It’s kinda messy… but you’ll get use to that!-my 6yo, welcoming his new baby sister 😂😂💀
“I can function just fine on 3 hours of sleep”, I say as I begin pouring vodka into the coffee maker instead of water.
I met my wife through a mutual friend. Despite being together for 18 years, married for 14, in my head sometimes I still refer to her as “Alan’s friend”.
You ever think someone is breaking into your house and then realize oh, it’s just the clothes in the washer I started 5 minutes ago.
The dentist gives me toothpaste when I leave. Step up your game gynecologist.
I was selling ad spots in a low budget print magazine. A dude sent an animated gif. I explained it’s printed. “So?” It won’t animate… “why not?” It’s on paper. “So?”
Heart: Go get her.
Mind: It’s so risky.
Body: Does this recliner vibrate?
pat pat
It’s the man who is supposed to be getting up to make the coffee in the morning. It’s even in the Bible under “Hebrews.”
*watching husband sleep*
Me: “I just love him so much, he’s my everyth-”
*husband snores*
Me: “I can’t live like this.”
EVERYBODY NEEDS TO STOP WHAT THEY ARE DOING RIGHT NOW AND ACKNOWLEDGE THE FACT THAT I HAVE JUST SEEN A BEAVER.
Where does the army of the dead get insanely long chains to pull a dragon? Is there a Walmart north of the wall? #GameOfThrones
me, standing over a dead body with a scalpel: this is fun isn’t it?
coworker: um. this just isn’t what I had in mind when you asked me to open mike night
My pantry would give that guy from Sleeping with the Enemy a heart attack.
they should invent a rest for the wicked
I don’t understand how people in the Walking Dead are living in the zombie apocalypse and they still look more well rested than I do