Mother’s Day is just an another made up holiday so the government can sell you more mothers
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My coworker carries around a rosary in his hand so that if he gets caught sleeping he can say he was praying
Do you think it’s weird that the only reason we still have landlines is so cops in movies can wake each other up in the middle of night?
Got an email from my kid’s teacher that instead of working on her social studies project, she spent the entire class period making a PowerPoint about goats. Apparently, the appropriate response was not, “oh cool, was it any good?”
“Eat me,” said the noun
“Say what?” said the verb.
“Eat me,” repeated the noun, word for word.
“Uhh…okay.” Verbatim.
I want a 21 cinnamon bun salute at my funeral.
(Hot girl walks in)
Brain: Alright don’t panic. Tell her she has beautiful hair. No wait tell her she has beautiful legs!
Me: Hi you have beautiful hairy legs.
Brain: My bad.
If Christian Bale’s voice as Batman were any more throaty, that dude would be talking Arabic.
Them: Are you single?
Me, stuffing food in my face: Oh no. I’m at least a double. Probably a king sized
*partner holding up finger and thumb almost touching*
Her: I am THIS close to snapping. Be warned.
Me: *gently* Aw honey they have to actually touch if you want to snap them!
*general murder sounds*
Parenting means begging your kids to leave you alone for 5 minutes only to freak out when it’s been 10 minutes and realizing that you don’t know where they are.
The Amazon algorithm? More like a buyological weapon, amirite?!
The Internet makes things so convenient. Before it existed, if you wanted to order a DVD online, you had to invent the Internet.
It is true. Time flies when you are having fun.
However it is also true that Time eventually rests on a tree branch and shits on your head.
Kids: Mom, what happened to our college fund?
Me: Avocados.
[During Sex]
“Hurry up, this isn’t really my house.”
That face-melting Nazi guy in ‘Raiders of the Lost Ark’ but it’s just my makeup the second I step outside in the summer.
ME [8:49PM]: on my way, taking a crab
GF [8:50PM]: u mean a cab
ME [8:52PM]: not exactly. be there in several days
reporter: an asteroid is predicted to hit earth this week
me: *vacuums a little faster*
I appreciate that the saleslady informed me I’d be more comfortable in a 36B cup size, but this is a Best Buy & I’m looking for humidifiers.
[invention of fish net stockings]
fisherman 1: Help! I got caught in the fish net!
fisherman 2: is it just me or is dave looking a little … hot?
fisherman 3: no dave is definitely being hot rn
When friends or family ask me if I’m going to have another baby, I just gesture at the chaos of my life and yell, “ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?”
Taking bets on how long my kid will proudly trip over the pillowcase she’s wearing because pants weren’t “fluffy enough” this morning
You might be “street-smart” but you’re “everywhere-else-stupid”.
At least chocolate chip cookies don’t look like brains. I’m talking about you, cauliflower.
Before you marry someone, try decorating a Christmas tree together.
“I can’t believe you string lights like that, Brad. I’m out.”
lost another rap battle bc i couldn’t rhyme anything with arthritis
When I hear someone say, “chicken pot pie,” I get excited three times.
I fear all this talk of llamas & dresses has distracted us from the important fact that there is video of Madonna falling off a stage.
You should be able to mute someone in real life. Annoying coworker? Silence them for 24 hours by booping them on the nose!
I’d rather be liked than loved. When you disappoint a girl who likes you, she’s less likely to make a pact with Lucifer to destroy your life