Mother’s Day is just an another made up holiday so the government can sell you more mothers
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Crap. I accidentally pulled up Instagram instead of Instacart. Now it’s 2 hours later and I have no groceries for Sunday prep but I know where Rihanna bought her hoop earrings and I have 20 cute pumpkin pics saved.
best review i’ve ever seen
MOM: turn the volume down on your headphones or you’ll go deaf!
ME: that is sound advice
Caffeine is bad for you, fat is bad for you, sugar is bad for you. But don’t worry, because worrying is bad for you too.
It’s an unspoken rule on garbage day that pajamaed neighbors pretend not to see each other.
[first day as a torturer]
Me: *throws stack of bills on the table* now call your doctors and the insurance company back and forth until you figure out what you need to pay.
Captive: *crying* I’m ready to talk.
*lowers car suspension to look more gangster*
*takes 12 minutes to ride over a speedbump*
We basically broke up with Pluto by saying it wasn’t a planet anymore then spent 9yrs obsessing about it & just drove by its house real slow
Some of your neighbors’ doors are too sophisticated to be unlocked with a credit card. For everything else, there’s MasterCard®.
God: you have terrible eyesight.
Bat: oh no.
God: don’t worry I’ve got a pretty great solution for you.
Bat: sweet!
God: you scream, fly in that direction while you try not to crash into a wall.
Bat:
God:
Bat: I thought you were gonna say glasses or something.
What do you call a person that is happy on a Monday?
Unemployed
If someone catches you doing something inappropriate don’t stop, just do it slowly while keeping eye contact.
centipede: *trips*
*but for like, an hour*
*goes to wedding*
*gives the couple 2 coupons for a free Big Mac as their wedding gift*
*walks away feeling really good about this decision*
Confuse a restaurant manager today by telling her how good the service was.
scully: victim died of multiple stab wounds
mulder: *throws her a file* ever heard of the knife alien
hello. i am the “friend” everyone has been asking questions for online. it has been a very rough three years but im starting to feel better. thanks for all your advice.
Not all white people die in hot air balloon accidents, but only white people die in hot air balloon accidents.
I’m one salad away from identifying as a rabbit
PSA: If you’re about to be arrested, climb to the roof of a nearby court. You are now ‘above the law’ & literally can’t get in trouble ever
“your sock has a hole in it” yeah no shit that’s how i get my foot in there linda
I weigh at least 17 squirrels
[IKEA meatball recipe]
1/2 lb ground beef
1/2 cup cream
1 small onion finely chopped
4 allen wrenches
20 minute argument
2 tbsp butter
lingonberry or some shit
you’re doing it wrong
salt to taste
just let me do it
Optimist: the glass is half full
Pessimist: everything is dying
Have you ever met someone and thought “wow where have you been all my life? Now if you could please just hurry back there that would be super”
I accidentally walked into an open mic comedy night in a cafe where immediately upon walking in the comic said “look at this guy he’s gonna leave soon”
My husband would NEVER cheat on me.
He’s too lazy
I like men who play hard to get.
So when my Fiancé called off the wedding and started dating my Brother, I knew he was the one for me.
Woke up against my better judgment again
Sometimes I answer your rhetorical questions because I think you are that stupid.