Mother’s Day is like the Purge for moms. We can literally do whatever we want for 24 hours.
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I think Jesus would have killed it at water skiing
[first day as a drug dealer]
Buyer: got any Morphine?
Me: I’m gonna be honest with you [searching through fannypack] I don’t know what Feen is.
5: im so bored
me: you can go empty the trash cans, put your bike away, clean the kitchen
5: im not very bored though
“I feel like I got off on the wrong foot.” – Star of a foot fetish flick criticizing his performance
I don’t want to make anyone jealous right now, but I’m sitting in a restaurant in Universal Studios while 2 of my kids cry and refuse to eat their food.
The sole purpose of a potato masher is to prevent you from opening a drawer.
I was trying to get the bubbles out of my screen protector and I accidentally bought a horse on eBay.
“What a tangled web we weave”
-Earbuds
PRO TIP:
Using a Starbucks cup to ask for change makes me think I’m worse off than you
I told my kid not to turn off the lights. He shuffled over to the switch, looked me in the eye and when he touched it he got zapped. It was static electricity, but now he thinks I have powers.
i just want a guy i can call papi (not in the grandpa way)
Just ruined my dad’s night by texting pics of a bird he can’t positively ID
Me:*hits rock bottom* welp, it can’t get any worse
Rock bottoms older brother: Is this the guy that hit you
Me: ᴼʰ ⁿᵒ
Me: Any news?
Doctor: I’m just waiting for your x-ray.
Me: But I’ve never dated anyone called Ray.
Doctor: And we might do a brain scan.
[speed dating]
DATE: ding
ME: did u just make the ding sound with ur mouth
DATE: no
ME: we have 4 minutes left
DATE: *louder this time* ding
me (checkin out at grocery store with 2 rotisserie chickens): hold up *i grab my phone although it didn’t ring* sure i’ll get 1 more chicken
I don’t think ‘safe sex’ sounds like a very good idea. I mean, what if you get locked in and forget the combination
Nobody:
My 6yr old talking to himself on the toilet: everyday I gotta get up for school. & then everyday I’m gonna have to get up for work. When does it end. Did I ask for this? No. I don’t remember that I asked for this. I asked for rest and legos and French toast.
MyChart App: You have a new message in MyChart
Email: You have a new message in MyChart
Text message: You have a new message in MyChart
Skywriter: You have a new message in MyChart
The Rosetta Stone: You have a new message in MyChart
periods should last only 15 mins. like thanks for letting me know im not pregnant, now you can leave the doors that way.
I like how impressionistic the French language is. You only have to pronounce half of the letters then you just think about the rest.
[texting]
WIFE: need to talk when u get home
ME: about what
WIFE: too much to text just wait till u get home
ME: *never goes home*
You seem like the type of person I might give my heart to, but as nervously as I’d be watching a drunk holding a newborn.
If I tell you I can’t text you because I’m driving it’s only because I’m also eating.
MMORPG NPCs will be like “My wife was killed by wild boars, help me avenge her!” despite the fact there are like 10,000+ priests and clerics running around who can literally resurrect people at any given time.
[first day as a snake charmer]
me: ayy wussup king damn what that tongue do long boi lmao u got room in that wicker basket for two or what
cobra: *striking me several times about the face, neck, and chest*
A miracle birth, then resurrection. Accept Frosty the Snowman as your personal savior.
Me *gently touches my wife’s casket* if I could change this I would
Wife: it’s your worst birthday gift yet
My self help-seminar, “Stop Blaming Others” canceled due to my incompetent staff.
I patiently sat through a 75 hour story about my daughter’s dream and then said wow daddy would love to hear this.