[Mother’s Day text to my wife]
Don’t let the kids know I sent this but do you know where we keep the powdered sugar and band-aids?
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Ancient proverbs say “Nobody sleeps when the cat’s bowl is empty”.
*wakes up kids in the middle of the night* hey. hey sssshhhh. is pikachu just a cat with makeup on
I’m not saying that asking your kids to clean will always make things worse, but I asked my 4yo to clean his muddy shoes and found him standing naked in a full bathtub polishing them with his toothbrush
North Korea is like that annoying kid in high school who was always threatening you with nuclear weapons
Oh sure you’re having a bad day, but did you buy grapes with seeds by mistake?
I was using the self-checkout at the grocery store and since I’m such a good customer, I decided to give myself a free gallon of milk.
I would walk barefoot over hot koalas for you.
how about no fine and just a warning for the first offense
IF THEY’RE THE GREATEST GENERATION WHY CAN’T EITHER OF MY PARENTS REMEMBER THEIR FACEBOOK PASSWORDS?!
Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.
Sit-ups are no fun, sharpie abs are definitely the way to go if you want permanent results.
Just realized that my spirit animal is Winnie the Pooh.
Two words: No pants.
We only use 10% of our brains because the other 90% is busy regretting saying “You too!” to a waiter after he said “Enjoy your meal.”
Coworker: By your age I was on my 3rd child already.
Me: Wow that’s a lot of kids to eat in a such a short period of time.
For you sir I would recommend one of our deluxe funeral plans where I won’t dig you up and slap you around when I’m feeling mad at skeletons
[two women sunbathing in garden]
“It’s so nice out here”
“Where’s that creepy guy who lives next door?”
HEDGE “He’s away for the weekend”
Each year more people die in bathtub accidents than plane accidents, but any idiot thinking they can fly a bathtub deserves what they get.
wife:
Where are the powdered doughnuts?me:
If you watch home alone backwards it’s about kid who tortures two strangers then his family comes home and yells at him
The History Channel; because where else are you going to learn about how aliens were instrumental in the development of humanity?
The dentist gives me toothpaste when I leave. Step up your game gynecologist.
[watching wonder woman]
*wonder woman comes onscreen*
Me: (leans over to date) that’s wonder wo-*date throat punches me*
One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.
Psychologist: I found that through a system of simple rewards I can train an animal to repeat a specific behavior.
Boss: Nice. Keep it up, Skinner, and you’ll get tenure.
It’s the anniversary of Tetris. We should have a block party.
Pro tip: When quickly pulling into your garage to avoid your neighbor be sure your garage door is all the way up.
Of all the things the Internet has lied to me about, the ease and enthusiasm with which a cat will ride a Roomba is the biggest.
I don’t sweat Friday13. I’m not superstitious. I just take off to a nice quiet cabin in the woods, slaughter a pack of teenagers, then chill
If you text your boss that you can’t come in and include the poop emoji, he doesn’t ask any questions.
🤦♀️🤦♀️🤦♀️