[Mother’s Day text to my wife]
Don’t let the kids know I sent this but do you know where we keep the powdered sugar and band-aids?
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Someone wished me happy birthday on a ‘random, not my birthday day’ so I responded with ‘same to you’.
My wife thought it would be cute to take a shower with our toddler and now there’s poop in the tub and everyone is screaming.
Bikini season is just around the corner, unfortunately so is Dairy Queen. 🙄
Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.
> be 28
> mom tells me to get a job
> put on Braveheart face paint
> run into kitchen
> scream FREEDOM
> mom tells me to get a girlfriend
Stewardess, the door just blew off the plane. Can I get a blanket?
I watched someone give a Starbucks Unicorn Frappuccino to a homeless woman. She took one sip and threw it in the trash.
co-worker: ok who put seafood in the microwave
me: oh sorry does my lobster smell
co-worker: no he’s pinching people
Catwoman pushing Batman off a ledge
I want to meet the individual who made this
I wish I were an octopus so that the answer to all of my problems would be, ‘change color and escape in a cloud of ink’
jingle bell.
jingle bell.
jingle bell.
rock.– looking for shells on the north pole beach
I love that Twitter is so international. I can hit “send” & be misunderstood by people all over the world almost instantly.
Her: Make me a mimosa.
Me: But we’re out of orange juice.
Her: I don’t see the problem.
I’m wearing my brand new all white Nikes today, so please respect my personal space by extending it an additional 2 feet.
“Let’s get the most uncomfortable mattress on the planet”
– Airbnb owners, probably
My daughter: I know everything
Me: What’s the capital of brazil?
My daughter: that’s a secret
What does the Tooth Fairy do with all those teeth?
She sell them to Big Toothpaste. They mash them up and tube it. So when you brush you’re putting teeth back onto your teeth.
The 5th dentist knows this but no one will listen.
Ok people, they don’t need to see your car from space- it might be time to tone down those headlights a little bit.
[vet office]
ME: *puts cat on counter* He’s sick
VET: How so?
ME: Look
*cat’s arranging magazines & gently tosses empty cup in garbage*
I don’t o u anything!
– Americans complaining about British/Canadian word spellings
my grandma has declared she is “93 and over it” and no one has the heart to tell her she is actually 102
Be the change you’re looking for
between the couch cushions.
17 told me I was “mid.” I don’t know what that means, but I’m going to change the WI-FI password about it.
Just taught my son how to use a hand dryer, and of course the last step was, “and then wipe them on your pants.”
me: *easily carrying 20 grocery bags* hi 😉
her: are those empty
WAITER: u can choose between 6 chocolate desserts and carrot cake
ME: the 6 chocolate desserts please
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘effusive’
“E-F-F-U-S-I-V-E”
That is correct. What was your name?
“It’s Siv”
I know lmao [hi5s other judge]
So much focus on the gold silver and bronze! What about the fourth place finisher? Sorry about that 1/200th of a second. Here’s a cheese sandwich.
[finishing meal at rooftop restaurant] I’m ready to jump off whenever you guys are