BOSS: I hate “yes men.”
ME: Yeah. Me too.
BOSS: I like employees who speak their mind.
ME: Yeah. They’re the best.
BOSS: You get me.
ME: Yep
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A rat followed me home in a dark street in DC, so I pretended I was on the phone with an exterminator
I just fell over putting on my underpants. Vengeance most surely will not be mine.
Nature abhors a vacuum
My dog: frfr
“Do not touch” must be one of the most terrifying things to read in braille
I know I’m getting old when I see a beautiful 19 year old girl and I wonder what her mother looks like.
That awkward moment when you whip off your shirt and realize you never put on your swimsuit
My wife handed me a clean towel and told me to “put it in its place.” So, I looked at it and said, “Don’t forget that you’re only a towel,” and I was reminded yet again of just how lucky this woman was to be married to me.
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer had a very shiny nose. Other symptoms of his alcoholism included violent rampages and chronic nausea.
I like my coffee so strong that it fails a drug test.
I would never get a minivan because I can’t even think of 7 people I’d want to be stuck in a vehicle with.
I asked my kid if his room was clean and that little shit cackled and asked Alexa if it was “Stupid Question Day”
Wow, my son running for student body president just punched a kid on the school newspaper & then the school board made my son the principal.
If my cats are going to insist upon me getting up early they’re gonna have to learn how to make coffee
I’m not saying over a year in quarantine has messed with me but a tiny lizard got into my apartment and I was like, “oh good, you made it.”
I’m tired of being the only single person in my friendship group, so I’m going to make a real effort to get out there and meet new people. One of them is bound to have some good ideas for sabotaging my friends’ relationships.
“I can’t possibly lose this if I put it here” I say to myself before completely forgetting where here is
Free advice: Saying “meaty shaft” in a corporate meeting is like saying bomb on an airplane.
HER: Can I give you my new number?
ME: *Eye roll* I REALLY doubt you came up with a number I don’t already know.
demon: [looking around inside me] dude no offence but it’s like kind of a nightmare in here
me: haha yeah
demon: how are all your thoughts in comic sans
Any man that dates me better have my beer ready when I get home like my cats do
I never feel quite so uncertain as when I’m walking the dog and a neighbor driving by waves to me but my free hand has a bag of poop in it.
“I’d like to speak with a manager”
I love how people act like they don’t want to be followed in the street yet they keep looking back at you to see if you’re still there.
2yo is pecking at her sandwich like a bird with her hands behind her back and I’m gonna let her because I’m done with parenting this week.
Me: (throwing up in toilet)
6: (pulls my hair out of my face)
Me: *aw she cares about me*
6: Can you see now to put in the password for the iPad?
Why go out and be a 3rd wheel when you can stay home and be a unicycle?
If you’re with me when I die, remember 2 things:
1) Do Not Resuscitate
2) Smash Phone on Ground
[first day as Uber driver]
ME: Are you Keith?
Ronald McDonald statue sitting on a bench:
From now on when a friend says she’s on her way I’m asking her to drop a pin