If I’ve ever had a crush on you, it means I’ve daydreamed about our first fight, our wedding, named our future dog, and retained a divorce lawyer.
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Mario Kart:
1) stays in first place for 3 laps
2) gets passed by 5 people at last second
3) slams controller
4) quits job
5) divorces wife
Let me get this straight. The guy was raised by animals in the jungle with no human contact whatsoever and he named himself George?
[text]
me: miss you, love you, wish you were hereDomino’s : we said 30 min or less
“It’s not you, it’s me.” -Twins looking at some family photos
Me: haha should I get out and push
Everyone on The Submarine: YES
What do you call a food fight with an unlimited amount of food?
All you can yeet.
Grandma confused about Tide Pods “kids these days eating those podcasts”….
“IT WAS NEVER SUPPOSED TO BE LIKE THIS!!!” I yell at the guy next to me at the red light while tweezing stray hairs from my chin.
[when i was a kid]
DAD: remember, if a girl is mean to you, that means she likes you
[today]
MY BOSS: you screwed everything up this week you idiot
ME: sorry, i’m not really looking for a relationship right now
Me: oh shit, our new doormat says ‘Welcome,’ do you think any vampire can just come in now?
BF: just turn it around.
If Hugh Hefner ran a company wearing pajamas so can you.
The new Disney Pixar movie sounds wild
Mom: Wanna help gift rap?
Me: In West Philadelphia born and raised on the playgro– oh you mean WRAP? Nah homegirl you’re on your own.
Today as a Random Act of Kindness, I wore a really tight sweater to work.
Thanks autocorrect…clearly “I am fantasy” is a better answer than “fantastic” when asked how I’m doing…
“This is the ride that killed Jimmy.”
– me in line, loudly, at amusement parks
I’m really not sure how many times I’ll search for my phone with the flashlight on my phone before I realize I’m an idiot….
What do hostages eat? #ThingsYouDontAskAlexa
“Watch what happens when the human children hear the sound of their mother eating something four rooms away.”
-if animals made nature shows
Everybody’s talking about the super obnoxious drunk guy at the bar last night. I was at that same bar and I didn’t even notice him. Weird.
ME: You’ve put on weight
DRACULA: No I haven’t. Prove it
ME: When you fly, how many bats do you turn into?
DRACULA: [deep sigh] A shitload
Business plan :
1. hold sign that says “free hugs”2. Whisper during the hug, “it’s $50 to let go”
Thanks to feminine hygiene advertising, I expected my first period to come out blue.
Imagine my surprise when it was bright green.
I wouldn’t call it ‘passive aggressive’, but I do send the glitter Christmas cards to the people who annoy me.
If it’s so good why can’t I find a single car wash that carries the Brazilian wax thingy you guys keep tweeting about?
Radiohead fans, this is for you.
[Picking up girls]
Me: you like bad boys, huh?
Girls: yea
Me to my wing man: tell them
Wing man: he’s just literally the worst
If you know someone who effortlessly falls asleep every night, that is a demon. You’re friends with a demon.
Who called it a hive for bees to live and not a site to beehold?
Someone told me signing my emails with “Best” is passive aggressive so
I’m changing it to “See you in hell’ to eliminate any confusion!! 🤣😏