@KenJennings: Motion to rename biological clock "restless egg syndrome."
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@Chelsea_Elle: Don't pay your taxes. Get sent to a cool ass prison. Boom, now taxes pay you. Life hack.
@comer310: Hey gurl, were you taped to the inside of a birthday card from my grandmother? Cause you're a dime.
@djdarrellripley: Her: My father is very upset that I'm your girlfriend. Me: Well, duh, I'm very upset that you're my girlfriend...