mountain lion attacks are on the rise. especially in california. be prepared!
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HUMAN BEING: You won’t touch the salad I made, but you just ate 2 stray cats and a whole koi pond! I thought you said you were vegan!
ALIEN, from planet Vega 3: Yes, that’s right.
The great thing about Twitter is that it gives everyone a platform to be heard.
The worst thing about Twitter is that it gives everyone a platform to be heard.
It’s a real shame Friday doesn’t come as quick as I do
In 1999 this man was asked to reenact his recent lottery win for TV and ended up winning again on camera
me: congrats, when is the baby due
pregnant librarian: oh it’s mine i get to keep it
My “life hack,” channel on YouTube is super popular but it’s just me ordering my assistant to make a meal, clean the clothes, scale a building using only twine. Put a mastiff face on the cheetah in the CRISPR lab, steal a kidney in a car, not a hotel room…. Pretty mundane.
Boss: Why do you look so sad?
Me: I actually paid a college hundreds of thousands of dollars so I could do this
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
[Me getting cut off in traffic]
GET OFF YOUR PHONE AND WATCH WHERE YOU’RE GOING!
[Notices USMC sticker]
AND THANK YOU FOR YOUR SERVICE!
whenever someone i know introduces me to someone else i say, “oh, this is the one u were talking about” &watch the awkward stares!
WIFE: Remember to check for firmness
ME: When should kids be allowed to date?
TOMATO: Minimum of 18 years old imo
ME: OK this one is good
*drops cheese*
You: Five second rule!
Pet owners: lol
The girl in front of me googled “med school GPA” and then immediately after googled “what can I do with a biology degree”.
I have witnessed someone face reality.
“Just spread them open and shove your face in there.”
– How to put on glasses.
I can tell when I’m not wanted. I’m not gonna leave or anything but I can tell.
“Good morning please could I have one human ticket to the water park”
Sir are you a shark in disguise?
*sharks fake eyebrows slide off*
Ibuprofen, youbuprofen, weallbuprofen.
AMERICA:
Where someone will eventually figure out how to fry Vodka
Every time I get a paper cut, I know somewhere a tree is laughing.
overheard my 7yo telling a friend he speaks Italian but what the friend doesn’t know is to my son speaking Italian just means shouting “ITSA ME! MARIO!”
A toddler will look you dead in the eye and ask you if it’s Christmas soon when Christmas was yesterday
Everyone is gangster till they touch a bandaid in a pool
[mob about to stone a sinner]
JESUS: Stop! Let he who is without sin throw the first stone.
[mob drops rocks]
JESUS: [picks up rock]
me: looking for a dining table to enhance the ✨aesthetic👄 of my apartment
also me: egge?? 😮
Me: Good morning. Allow me to sprinkle some positivity on this gloomy Monday morning.
HR: You can’t just throw glitter at people.
Remember, if you get dumped it’s only because they’re looking for someone more attractive and interesting. It has NOTHING to do with you.
The wife and I just got divorced.
We split the house………I got the outside.
The same mosquito kept biting me last night. He probably thought he was at a wine tasting event.
Brought a stapler to a gun fight and now everyone is neatly organized into piles of corpses and sorted by height. The police will be pleased
Me: *sneaking to the kitchen for a late night snack*
Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE