@jeannerbeaner: "Mounting debt" sounds way sexier than it is.
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@aidanjsears: ALEX TREBEK: it says here that you are on jeopardy ME: correct AT: this can't be your fun fact ME: *whispers* i don't have anything else ok
@ArfMeasures: WIFE:Someone's broken in ME *grabs baseball bat*Wait here [downstairs] PAL:Can't u just tell her u wanna play baseball M: Keep ur voice down
@TheWoodenslurpy: I thought I saw Jesus in a cookie. But I was wrong. It was just a guy who looked like him.
@daemonic3: [grocery shopping] "Actually it should be 15 items or FEWER" I'll fix that sir [grabs mic] CUSTOMER NEEDS HELP FINDING EXTRA SMALL CONDOMS