“Mounting debt” sounds way sexier than it is.
You Might Also Like
*eats a crab apple*
*watches all crabs with medical degrees scatter*
[calculating calories]
Breakfast: 300
Lunch: 500
Dinner: 700
Snacking while preparing dinner: 8,374
I literally never cry, so my body makes up for it by leaking out of different places. My doctor says it’s called “peeing” what a dumb idiot.
rise and shine we got egg
Penguins can’t fly either but pigs are the ones who got famous for their inadequacies
My brother dropped my MacBook and the screen got slightly cracked, so I’m giving it away for free if anyone’s interested
Specifications:
Age : 11
Weight : 25Kgs
Healthy so far.
“Mom, I promise I won’t interrupt your nap.” “Thanks honey, could I finish peeing by myself?”
I will never stop laughing at this
Calm down check out guy, you don’t have to inspect my $20 so hard, If I was talented enough to make my own, I wouldn’t be in Quickie Mart..
all bases covered
How long after eating do I have to wait to drown someone?
He has found a brilliant way to automatically keep all the horses warm, fed, and clean.
He’s a stable genius.
I went out last night and my husband put the 3yo and the baby to bed by himself, which neither of us has done alone yet. I got home and everyone was asleep and he was so calm, and I was like “Wow I’m so glad it well went!” and he was like “oh no, it went terribly.” 😂
*making a phone call* please don’t pick up please don’t pick up
911 operator: 911, what is your emergency?
My husband is traveling and my 9yo wants to talk to me about our “sleeping situation” tonight. I’m never getting the bed to myself again, am I?
You know I’m something of a chef myself
Karen: Are we ok?
Me: [removes earbud] Yes.
Karen: It’s just that you named a Spotify playlist “LET’S GET DIVORCED”
Jesus was the only man to return from the dead and not eat brains.
My wife caught me looking at a seagull at the beach so now we’re in this big fight.
Mobster: we need to set up a shell company
Lobster: let me handle this, boss
APPLE GENIUS: how did u get so much water on the laptop
[flashback to me taking my laptop into the shower so i could tweet]
ME: hurricane
When I got my new jacket ,they said it was reversible. I tried it both ways ,but I had a hard time working the zipper behind my back
My girlfriend just called a group of sheep ‘sheeps’ and now I can never be sure that she is legally capable of consenting to sex.
[on the way to the hospital]
GF: “let me get this straight. You thoug-”
Me: I thought that the mouse trap would detect that I am not a mouse
cop: “you’re drunk, get out of the car.”
judas: “bbut I’ve bbeen on tthe water all night.”
–
[jesus whistles innocently]
Lets all agree,
having your cake and eating it too,
is the same damn thing.
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: watching Doc McStuffins.
Wife: but the kids are in bed.
Me: so?
Wife: aren’t you a little old to watch cartoons?
Me: aren’t you a little old to shop at Forever 21?
Wife:
Me:
Wife: so what’s this episode about?
I’m sorry for the things I said when I was attempting to take off my sports bra.
If you’re wondering what good can come from all of this, at least they’re now putting tamper seals on pizza boxes.
Nothing says “I’ve been going through your shit” like “why do you delete your browser history?”