Mouse astronaut, six seconds after setting foot on the moon: I have been lied to
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[at work]
CW: Hey, I found your Twi…
Me: *jumps out window*
CW: …Twinkies.
I took my kids’ screens away so we could spend some quality time together and it turns out they are really terrible to be around
6-year-old: *finds a picture she drew* Why was this in the trash?
Me:
6:
Me: It was too good. I didn’t want to make your sisters jealous.
mom: how was the ballgame
me: they showed sex on tv
mom: what?
dad: he means the kiss cam
me: haha no *crossing out line in notebook* that’s for sure different than sex and I knew that
I’m the type of guy you could spend the rest of your life with, if you never take your meds again.
My 6yo carried our Google Home Mini around the house all day asking it question after question to the point where I found it locked in the bathroom crying with a glass of wine.
Top 5 things to ditch in 2017
5. Debt
4. People you don’t like
3. Facebook
2. Drama
1. The bodies
As a seasoned negotiator, I’ve created a complex list of demands that my children must complete before I’ll buy myself a foosball table. I mean buy them a foosball table
Me: *pulls an apple out of my pocket*
Doctor: Easy now…let’s not get crazy.
1998: stop playing pokemon and go outside
2016: stop playing pokemon and come inside
Netflix My bladder
🤝
Streaming on demand
I forgot to pay off my exorcism loan, and now I’m being repossessed.
(Has hundreds of bad experiences smelling things)
Him: Smell this
Me: Okay
[teaching son to swim]
Me: get this wrong & you die
Big shout out to the three people still trying to do jokes.
[interrupts gf talking about her dream wedding]
lol a horse drawn carriage?
“what’s funny about that?”
a horse can’t hold a pencil karen
him: 911, what’s your emergency
me: a home invasion
him: can have a unit there in 10 minutes
me: they’re armed
him: 5 minutes
me: they switched my toilet paper from over to under
swat team: [already crashing thru the windows]
Blind guy: I love this half-sandwich restaurant.
Me: What do you mean? This place only serves whole-
Service dog: *puts a paw on my lips*
Day 18 of lock down. Filled the dog with helium.
I live in fear that one day the real “World’s Greatest Dad” is going to show up to reclaim his rightful mug.
I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.
My 7yo asked her brother for a hug and it was the sweetest sibling moment, then off to school he went with a slap me sign on his back
Me:Thank you, he’s so hot I don’t even know what I want to do first…Grandma: (interrupting) Okay, can someone else say the prayer please?
A Victoria’s Secret commercial will always come on when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Doritos.
doctor: and how long has your most recent panic attack been going on
me: probably since the summer of 2015
Nav: ‘Take the next left turn.’
Me: ‘That’s not right.’
Nav: ‘No shit.’
FRIEND: you gotta go home and show your wife who’s boss
ME: damn right
[later]
ME: jen listen up *pulls out photo* this is my manager tim
(meeting somebody for the first time and panicking)
Joe, keep that beat nice and loose. Sam, take that bass for a walk. Ray I slept with your mom AND A ONE AND A TWO AND A
did u kno that when a plane lands the first person to stand up gets to drive the plane for the next trip