Mouse astronaut, six seconds after setting foot on the moon: I have been lied to
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“You’d better run, egg!”
Alien: this planet sucks I don’t know how you do it
Me: *slowly opens pizza box*
Alien: dude
if the benadryl doesn’t work use the back of a shovel
Getting high with witches sounds super cool until they start looking at you and whispering about sacrifices.
Stop it! 😂
box: meow
schrodinger: ignore that
“I will not have my voice silenced! This is censorship! This is against the constitution!”
“But sir. This is a library.”
I have never flown first class. Does the food just taste better because you get to lie down while you eat it?
[tarot reader looks at my cards]
you’re gonna die clonking your head on something
You: Alexa, should I worry about being spied on by balloons?
Alexa: Yes, it’s definitely the balloons.
Somehow, I must have switched shopping carts while I was at the store. I don’t remember buying any of this stuff.
Or having an Asian baby.
Fact of the Day: Lyrics can be used in a court of law as evidence.
That’s how Billy Joel was acquitted of arson charges.
Customer: do you sell {item}?
Coworker: oh, yeah but I’m just having a hard time getting it in
Me: *resisting the urge to go nudge, nudge, wink, wink, eh?, phrasing boom, that’s what she said*
Yesterday I said the words “clink the lick” instead of “click the link” because my mouth likes to prank me
Woke up in a graveyard. Never felt more alive.
Me: Me and the wife are heading to pound town.
Wife: London. He means London.
my roofing company has gone bankrupt. I kept saying “this one’s on the house” every time I finished a roof, how could i be so stupid
Hi. This is my first time at yoga. When I called they said to bring a Matt. *points at man standing next to her* Now what do we do with him?
us women should leave something 2 the imagination. for example it should always be unclear whether ur human or a mysterious glowing vapour
“Ok i’ll bite”
*literally any cat i try to be nice to
My mom is helping me hang a painting and we don’t have a hammer so she used my cast iron pan to whack the nail into the wall and I’m pretty sure my neighbors think someone’s murdering their husband. I’m not correcting them.
me to the dentist: can u make my teeth more how u say al dente
“Oh, we’re going for a 6 minute car ride? Let me just gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked first. Then I just need to run & hide your keys.”
-3 year olds
Just saw a squirrel wipe down a peanut he took from my hand.
Me: I made a perfect napping spot just for you
My cat: no thank you, I would rather be uncomfortable than do anything you suggest
I don’t need WebMD to tell me what’s wrong with me, I have my mother.
“Help yourself!”
– people who don’t want to help you
Mowed the lawn yesterday with my shirt off and this morning there were 50 shirts left on my porch with a sign that said, “Please wear.”
Teaching my kids the true meaning of Easter by taking them to church and locking them in there for three days