My astrological sign is KFC gravy
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It’s only a matter of time before one of you people’s tweets are used against you in a murder trial
“Just make sure Nazis NEVER march with tiki torches. I’m trying to save Germany, not Gilligan’s Island.” — Hitler’s last words
There’s nothing quite like a pissed off toddler trying to make her point by angrily storming away on a ride on ladybug
Candy canes are the perfect treat. They are minty & put you into the holiday spirit & can easily be fashioned into a shank.
*Types*
I have lumps on my head.
WebMD: Batman
My 4yr old has started prefaceing questions with, “but don’t say no” and he’s got a lot to learn about disappointment
Me, to the fellas: Load up. We getting magical tonight.
i opened a savings account in 2008 with a $25 deposit. i’ve watched the money grow over the last decade, and though i’ve been tempted, i’ve left it alone. now i have $27.96, enough to retire on. take note.
[my first day on the international space station]
*grinds pepper over food*
Oh.
Oh no.
Me: Don’t be mean to my friend.
Her: Your friend just broke in my door and almost strangled me.
Me: I said he was my friend, not yours.
Top 5 forms of torture
5. Sleep deprivation
4. Dentist drills
3. Solitary confinement
2. Water boarding
1. Cilantro
I love travelling because I love to check if I have my passport every 3-4 minutes 🥰
Work tip: if you’re going to ask your boss if you can “work from home”, don’t use air quotes.
me: the clogged sink is over here
plumber: (crawls under sink)
me, definitely not a werewolf: oh no
RRH: Grandma, what big eyes you have. And what big ears you have. And what big TEETH you have!
Grandma: You’re my least favorite grandchild
When you’re anti-social, knowing you’re not alone is both comforting and disconcerting.
Whenever I leave a public bathroom I fold the toilet paper into a fancy triangle to class the joint up
but whales can’t sink a sub
ORCAn they?
Jumping through hoops makes it sound too easy.
It should be something…more like…trudging through quicksand on 2 hours of sleep with a sinus infection.
My toddler is screaming because I won’t give him an apple off of the counter, but what he refuses to acknowledge is that is not an apple.
It’s an onion.
My toddler is crying because I won’t let him eat an onion.
Maybe having my husband talk to my son about how he shouldn’t be running a fantasy football league with his friends at school was a bad idea because my husband’s first question was, “What’s the buy in?”
Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.
Nothing prepares you for the love you have for your children, or for your own ability to say I don’t know a million times a day without snapping their adorable little necks.
If I had a dog I’d say “I have a bone to pick with you!” and then we’d go to PetSmart to pick a bone and we’d laugh & laugh & can dogs laugh
[reading of my fathers will]
Lawyer: and I bequeath to my son $100k as-
Me: heh, bequeath
Lawyer: long as that immature vomit fondler doesn’t laugh at the word ‘bequeath’
Me: he didn’t even have $100k, did he?
Lawyer: no, he just knew
The labels on prescription bottles are just suggestions, like speed limits.
My 2yo said she is a grown up. I told her she isn’t, that she is a toddler. She replied, “No, I’m a grown up. I’m going to touch knives.”
Me: Hi, I’d like to cancel my 8am appointment for tomorrow.
HR: For the last time, call in sick for work like a normal person!
Every zoo is a petting zoo if you can run fast enough.
Three seasons into Game of Thrones, and I still can’t figure out why all the characters are named after psychiatric meds.