*moves $124 to an offshore bank account*
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Regrettable life choices: not learning how to syphon gas
Who’s drunk
*raises leg
[alternate universe]
Aladdin: 🎵 The Exact Same World🎵
I came.
I saw.
I forgot why I went upstairs.
the worst part about cooking for others is not licking the utensils every time you stir something
Morpheus: ok this guy is definitely “the one”
Trinity: but why though
Morpheus: you’re gonna kick yourself lol but just re-arrange the letters in “Neo”
guys: women are a mystery.
women: Here is what we-
guys: LITERALLY WHAT DO THEY WANT?
women: well for start-
guys: Guess we’ll never know!
breakfast, the most important beer of the day
Me: [practicing guitar]
Son: Hey, dad-
Me: NOT NOW I’M LEARNING CAT’S IN THE CRADLE
They just announced step away from the windows at O’Hare because of a tornado warning and crazy storm, so about 10 people got up and walked towards the windows to take pictures.
I’m working on a movie about the life of Pennywise the clown after he quits killing kids to pursue a career in sticky notes called: Post-It
[At Vision Center]
Receptionist: Which Doctor would you like to see?
Me: I’d like to be able to see all of them. That’s why I’m here.
My yoga teacher was sent to prison for fraud.
He did a 3 year stretch.
No, I’m not dressing up as something sexy. I’m sexy 364 days of the year. I’m dressing up as the Predator.
I gave a yelp review once.
In my defense, it was my first bikini wax.
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years. I was putting my jeans on.
Hi, I would like to file a complaint against everything.
Detective: *into the earpiece* just act natural
Me: this tape is itchy
Drug Dealer: what
Me: what
10 WARNING SIGNS THAT YOU’RE CURRENTLY READING A LIST
I am so used to automatic doors at work that when I come across one I have to physically open I just stand there like a dummy
[alternate universe]
teacher: and that’s how you do your taxes
student: thank you. what a useful skill i have learned here today
good morning to everyone except those who can whistle with their fingers.
[ER visits, by age]
Doctor: How did this happen?
Me at 24: I was trying to dunk a basketball.
Me now: I was reaching for my glasses.
As the mother of two kids under 5, I’m always playing a game I call “Is this normal, or is my child a sociopath?”
Joseph: I swear I just heard the wind call your name
Mary: um, that was probably…god
Joseph: God sounded a lot like our neighbor Jeff
So out of it today. Was squeezing honey in my tea and thought, “Can’t believe this stuff comes from bears.”
Dracula: I vant to suck your blood
Me: well technically, no — you don’t suck what you’re drinking. You want to suck my NECK
Dracula: vhoa
I woke up this morning with my 4-year-old in my face, nose to nose, asking why people have skeletons.
Psychology says:
People will believe everything written after “psychology says.”
Me: Would you consider going out with a guy a little older than yourself?
Her: Well of course I would. Why, do you have a son?