*moves heaven & earth for her*
*moves more left
*more left
*little right
*little more right
*moves heaven & earth back to original spot*
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ME: *pointing gun* Give me everything.
WORKER: Sir, this is a pet shelter.
ME: I know.
*carried off into the sunset by a wave of animals*
[duck is quacking] damn dude that duck is in SERIOUS disrepair [sprays wd-40 into duck mouth] [duck starts chirping like nightingale]
Since wine is made from grapes its technically accurate to say I did a fruit juice cleanse for New Years Eve.
Well I guess it’s time to learn my kids’ names.
Before you make fun of older folks, just remember we know where ALL the bathrooms are
BOSS: I see you got the memo about not vaping in the men’s restroom?
ME: [vaping in the ladies restroom] I did.
My teen doesn’t like how her sister cleaned the bathroom and told her to do it again, so I’m like who died and made you boss?
JLo and Ben Affleck are back together, Lindsay Lohan is starring in a new movie, and I’m living in my parents house. Hello 2004
Pigeon open mic night.
Quarantine day 6: Went to this restaurant called The Kitchen. You have to gather all the ingredients and make your own meal. I have no clue how this place is still in business.
Me: That’s the murder house on the street.
Friend: That’s your house.
Me: Yea
My husband got new earbuds. Think I’ll skip the middle man and put them straight in the washing machine.
All kids are born with a sixth sense that lets them know the absolute worst time to ask for something.
i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
Interviewer: Do you have any special skills?
[Me, attempting to remove stapled sheets of paper with a sword]: no
The Windows weather app shows moon rise and set times. Who is this information for? Werewolves?
Ibuprofen is the new Chiclets for people over 40
I’ve trained my cat so that when I call his name he stares at me coldly for 6 seconds and then leaves the room for 2-5 hours.
It’s okay, baby. I cry when people try to change me too.
Car names fall into two groups: those that basically say, “I’m pissed off with traffic jams so I’m gonna blow out of here and head off by myself down a dirt road.”
…And those that say “I’m elegant, civilized, and artistic.”
Wish I could focus on anything with even half the intensity of my dog watching me eat yogurt.
The “walk of shame” should be going to a bar the next morning after being drunk looking for your lost debit card.
‘I murder drifters and use their hair to make little dolls. Oh, you meant at work! My biggest weakness is that I’m a perfectionist.’
Parenthood is stepping in something wet in your socks.
[at a child’s birthday party]
Lady: which one’s yours?
Me: uhh, that one
L: that’s my daughter
M: *grabs the cake and runs*
If someone invites you to their large country house with lands, say thanks.
Because manors.
me: i’m sorry your honor i only stole to get back my beloved childhood toy.
judge: [tearing up] that’s beautiful what was the toy.
me: [sniffling] a huge pile of money.
Based on a tumblr post by fartgallery!
‘Siri, am I an alcoholic?’, I whisper into my burrito.
Captured by terrorists tied up to a chair with a pillowcase on my head: guys please let me go I swear I’m not a pillow