*Moves manger so the baby Jesus can watch Die Hard*
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3am
Me: *wakes up for no reason*
Anxiety and Insomnia: *fighting*
Bladder: We should pee.
Stomach: PEANUT BUTTER!
No thanks, $30 haunted house. I can watch the news and get scared any time for free.
super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog
Me when my husband says, “let’s go to the gym”
HER: i like a guy who will hold a door for a lady
ME [trying to impress her]: *cuddles my jim morrison body pillow*
I have an important question about the movie CATS which will ultimately determine whether or not I see it:
At any point in the film does one of the CATS cats sit in a cardboard box that is a little too small for them
shrek was successful because it was a farquadrant movie
It’s the 13th anniversary of “Umbrella”. What a good excuse for…
talking to animals doesn’t make you crazy, hearing them talk back does
me: will i go to jail in the future
psychic: no
me: gimme your wallet and empty the register
The Amazon delivery drivers in my area are shit but my neighbors sure do order some really cool stuff.
12yo son forgot his electric toothbrush — so now he has to MOVE HIS ARM to brush his teeth.
His protest was legendary.
me *looking at burnt up nintendo cartridge*: what the hell happened?
roommate (a dragon): it was dirty…
“Someone offered me grapes, but I declined . I’m not used to consuming wine in pill form.” — University of Chicago
My cat and I are both on diets, it’s hilarious. Just sitting across from each other, angrily eating our horrible breakfasts.
Why would I want guest towels? That’s like an invitation.
They should have a big dishwasher that you can drive your car into so you don’t have to wash it by hand. I’ll let someone else have this idea, goodnight twitter.
I’m just one bad financial decision away from a flip phone.
My son fell asleep early, so I’m going to live like I did before having kids!
*cooks on front burner of the stove*
The worst thing about admitting you’re an alcoholic is that people will expect you to stop drinking.
Today my husband ate margarine with a spoon. Long story short, I’m unable to see a future with him. We had a good run.
Kim Kardashian compared getting through her divorce was like beating cancer. Except cancer is real. She should compare her stupidity to it.
My girlfriend hates the music I listen to while I drive, but I’ve found the perfect loophole to keep my favorite songs on. You say, “Babe, this one really reminds me of you.”
Who called it condensed milk instead of mk?
“You the bomb” “No you the bomb”….- A compliment in America.An argument in the Middle East.
A good prank is to rent a Mercedes, stick a huge bow on it, and park it in front of your neighbor’s house
My kid sneezes and if you aren’t quick enough with “bless you” he says, “don’t worry I’m okay” in the most condescending tone ever uttered by a 2 year old
Q: If you could be any animal, which one would you be?
A: The drummer from the Muppets, next question.
The first person who saw a kangaroo reach into its pouch never fuckin’ thought it’d yank another little kangaroo outta there
I asked my brothers why they’re getting two separate ps5s when they live in the same house and can share, and they told me to go share my phone with my mum😑