Daughter: Before the internet how’d you get anything done?!
Me: I don’t remember honey. Google it.
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I took the kids to an orchard in the country today, where we crossed paths with a friendly and very handsome man who was fixing the wiring in one of the gazebos. Now I’m worried we stumbled into a Hallmark movie by mistake.
The government was gonna impose martial law but a typo turned it into marital law, so now everyone is just passive aggressively coughing into one another’s soup while they watch 24-hour news channels in complete silence
My wife said if she heard me chewing one more time, she was going to murder me. So I stole the batteries from her hearing aids.
on our farm rn we have 16 regular ducks. and then we have reginald. reg is 4lbs of pure hatred in the approximate shape of a duck. he is the duck god of chaos. every night he refuses, with violence, to go inside his coop, despite loving it in there. i hate him but i respect him
Just watched the movie 2012 and honestly I don’t remember any of that happening.
My son mowed the lawn so if you need me I’ll be outside re-mowing the lawn.
Kids are like I know this paper heart is from a ripped burrito wrapper I picked out of the gutter but it reminds me of you and you must keep it forever and ever till you die.
daughter: do you realize that you talk to yourself?
me: so you won’t answer when I call you but you’ll eavesdrop on my conversations?
daughter:
If your therapist thinks your alien abduction stories make you sound delusional, just wait till they hear about your TC.
[art store]
You do free framing?
“With any purchase”
Ok, just this pencil and [slides a gun with wife’s fingerprints] you know what to do
I like to imagine that gymnastics competitions are just an elaborate game of ‘the floor is lava’.
There’s aggressive driving and then there’s a parent who is late for a school drop off driving.
Me: I’m going to be a great doctor one day
My patient: [bleeding out] when
*looks up from phone*
Great, I’m inside of a coffin again.
I was just in line at the store and standing awkwardly and tried to put my hands in my pockets but my jeans don’t have pockets and THIS IS WHY WOMEN ARE ALWAYS ANGRY
After Samsung phones, now Samsung washing machines are exploding. Samsung is now the third biggest nuclear power after US and Russia.
ER: Ma’am, are you allergic to any medications?
Me: I’m not answering your silly questions until you give me the wifi password.
*sees someone drop their wallet*
*picks it up and runs after them*Excuse me! EXCUSE ME!
You… *catches breath* Your outfit is hideous
taking my contact lenses out and putting each in their own little soup for the night
“Invisible Woman” just followed me.
I did not see that coming.
Me: *establishes dominance by removing the toilet seat*
Wife: Good move, smart guy. What are you gonna do when you have to….
Me: Shit.
Was told I can’t use Wi-Fi at McDonald’s unless I eat. So I am bringing a peanut butter sandwich.
I just checked Amazon again and they still don’t sell fire-breathing dragons. I’m a Prime member, this is bullshit.
What’s faster than the speed of light?
A female untagging herself from an unflattering photo.
let’s hit the petting zoo and find out which animals are ticklish
don’t date writers. they will send you their screenplay after a day of talking and it’s like OH now I have homework???
6km run followed by a blueberry muffin for breakfast… life is all about balance people! 😆
Me: what’s the deal with airplane food
Baby: I don’t know it just tastes better when you make that noise
This afternoon a crew of men were installing Christmas lights on a house down the street. The next thing I hear is a boy yelling, “It’s not Decemberrrrrr!!”
That’s how I knew my son was home from school.
[before calculus was invented]
me: I understand everything