There’s just something about my posture after sitting in front of a computer for hours, a certain je ne sais quasimodo
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Little did he know that his foot powered filing system would have made him billions if he had only thought of a better name
– The Ped-o-file
No regrets in 2018
I shouted “the blue Subaru with an Obama sticker left its lights on!” at Mt. Bachelor and had the *entire* hill to myself for an hour
I want to go back in time and find pre-kid me who thinks she is “so busy” and “so tired.” And I want to smack her.
Whenever I’m sharing an elevator and someone reaches for the panel I gently push their hand down and say “no.”
A trailer of The Exorcist comes on.
Non parents:
Aargh I can’t look.Parents with kids who don’t sleep:
Ah a film about bedtime
Took my Airpods into the Apple Store yesterday. They sounded tinny and distant. Turned out I had them in the wrong ears and back to front. I am an award winning technology columnist. This is my story.
Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets. Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets.
Rookie mistake: taking your gummies after you brush your teefs.
3: *tries a new thing, screams and fights, finally does the thing, cries that he’s done
Absolutely no one:
3: that was SO MUCH FUN, we have to do it again soon!!!!
“She’s more afraid of you than you are of her,” the mother reassures her child, as I scramble away to keep it from touching me.
Well, this explains it:
Vegans with children named ‘Hunter’ are why I lie awake at night.
I’m definitely the most successful guy in this dollar store.
Oh, wait.
That guy has a tuxedo t-shirt.
I’m the second most successful guy.
Grocery guy here with a reminder…
You don’t “un-thaw” things from the freezer. You “thaw” them. Un-thaw would be freezing it😒
You know that runny food on your plate that touches all the other food? That’s you, butting into a conversation.
You’re creamed corn.
I always weigh myself before I get in the shower so the water droplets don’t add additional weight. I also suck in my stomach before I get on the scale. That seems to help.
‘Always the bridesmaid, never the bride’ is good advice for any best man.
Sharon, call the vet
My favorite game with the kids is one where I play dead until they go around to their dad’s side of the bed and wake him up.
me: did you know there’s a complex named after you
oedipus: haha, I’m not surprised, I was king, defeated the sphinx, stopped a plague! what part of my life is it named after?
me:
oedipus: andrew? what par—what did they name it after?
Here lies a mother, her struggle was valiant but in the end the laundry pile was too big and she couldn’t claw her way out
Today, my 2 year-old had a wellness checkup and was angry when we were late.
So, I had them run all the tests on him because there is something obviously not right with a kid wanting to go to the doctor.
*me struggling with life*
I guess I should start watching a new show.
Breaking News: Scientists clone a new hybrid cantalope and cauliflower. “We call it the melon-cauli,” says Dr. Noah Lot of OMG I’m so sorry
just mowed the backyard
[idiot mocking voice] “but deg what will u do this weekend?”
hell, the way it grows i’ll be able to mow sunday idiot
Could you please put your screaming baby on vibrate.
I miss the days when people used to be less nostalgic.