[Obama giving Trump the White House tour]
O: and here’s the toaster, it tends to stick so don’t be afraid to jam a fork in to get it workin
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97% of scientists believe climate change is man-made and causes rising sea levels of oceans. The other 3% believe Frank Ocean is an ocean.
*handing nurse a bedpan*
Me: I pooped in thisNurse: you’re not a patient here
According to the group of firemen in our floor’s breakroom… my microwave popcorn is burnt
Executioner: last words?
Me: pop
Executioner: we say soda here
Me:
Executioner: say soda
Warden: bro it’s LAST words he won’t-
Executioner: I’M NOT PULLING TIL HE SAYS SODA
I never realised how much of a fidget that I was until I was watching a movie and my fitbit told me that I only had 10 more steps for the entire hour…when I was sitting down the whole time
Me: Are these garbage bags of yours super strong?
Clark Kent: What? No just regular strong ones here haha nothing super about ‘em *nervously adjusts glasses*
Men are from Mars, women are from a planet that probably smells nicer than Mars.
there is asparagus
in my hairagusand I don’t
caragus
Me: I set a record for the rope climb in high school.
4-year-old: You climbed it the fastest?
My wife: He cried the most.
When skinny girls say “I’m so fat” to fish for a compliment from me, I just agree.
My friend got stung by a jellyfish so I took a massive shit on his leg & he forgot all about the jellyfish.
Okay Canada. You’ve made your point.
Will you take winter back now?
Please?
I keep a knife in my Bible so if someone wants to kill me, I ask to read it & when I get to the 6th Commandment, I stab them in the face.
If you’re ever chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, over a little seesaw and through a hoop of fire.
They’re trained for that.
Every so often I’ll tell my son the car is making strange noises and that I need to listen just to get a break from hearing him talk.
*slowly walking*
*sees kid out of corner of my eye*
Me: *walks faster*
Kid: *walks faster*
Me: *running at the swings, screaming*
MIIIIIINE!
Kids don’t like it when you laugh at them after they step on their toys. Taking a video of it doesn’t help either.
what the
-hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger!
-oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
SPIN INSTRUCTOR: you can do this, you just have to want it
ME, NOT EATING ICE CREAM SANDWICHES IN BED: neat. what’s another way?
Kids at bedtime are like the song being downloaded on a dial up connection which has been stuck at 99%
Got up at 6:30am today. Did some yoga. Had a protein shake. Ran six miles. Started lying about everything.
Every time I eat a cookie in bed, I imagine it screaming “I’M GONNA CRUMB” because I have something wrong with me
The day your child learns the word literally and starts using it in literally every sentence is the day you literally wish you’d never let them learn to speak.
*At Super Bowl Party*
Hey baby, they’ve got a WHOLE bunch of shrimp here, did you bring the big purse?
I just signed up my three kids for bike and swimming lessons this summer….anyone know who I can contact about selling a kidney?
Ok, I’ll admit it, my choice of words is sometimes influenced by which ones I think I can spell correctly.
…sees you when you’re sleeping, knows when you’re awake, knows if you’ve been bad or good…
Me: Omg, this song is about my phone.
Scientist “human beings are psychologically prone to fundamentally misjudging probabilities.”
Me “That sounds really unlikely.”
When I used to drink, by this time on a weekend y’all would’ve already seen me mostly naked. Y’all should be especially thankful for my sobriety.