Movie idea: Channing Tatum and Chris Hemsworth are called on by the US government to take their shirts off and punch people who read books.
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Whenever I hear a helicopter I say “gotta go- there’s my ride!”
My kids are really competing for least favorite today.
Ketchup isn’t food.
-words to ruin a toddlers day
Girlfriend: YOU NEED TO MOVE ON
Me (sliding Blockbuster card back into my wallet): I’m trying…
If only I were rich enough to be the first corpse in an Agatha Christie novel
*grabs your ankle from a storm sewer* if your barbie doll needs a hula hoop use an onion ring
[watching Game of Thrones] last week was great, I paid attention to everything!
TV: last week on GoT..
Me: when the hell did that happen?!
I’ve noticed that my parents talk about ‘the good old days’, they always seem to stop at 1979. Which is great, because that’s also the year I was born,wait… What?
The joke is on this spin class instructor.
My water bottle is full of Bacon Bits.
this royal photo stuff… funny how you all suddenly feel like you have a license to talk about women’s bodies… newsflash: some women have zippers in their hair. some women’s legs are too small and oddly bent in on themselves. some women don’t have reflections
Who called it “asking for sex” and not “pitchfork”
when you wake up in the morning after you went there last night planning to break up
Me: *scratches another tally mark into these prison walls*
Boss: stop damaging the office walls!
A level of petty I can get with 🤣
I think “Ur mom” is a sassy answer to any question.
Especially “Who gave birth to me” or “Who divorced my dad”.
Me: “Alexa, put on some jazz and pour me a drink.”
My daughter, Alexandra: “Stop calling me that! Crap like this is why I live with Dad!”
Woah!!! You’re a much fatter family than the stick figures on your rear window would indicate!
BOWSER: Yo man, remember that time I kidnapped your girlfriend and sent like 2000 of my goons to try and kill you? Then you broke into my house and dumped me in the lava?
MARIO: Yeah.
BOWSER: Haha OK cool, you want to ride go karts later?
MARIO: I sure do!
My wife got mad at me for buying the family size pack of oreos for just the two of us and I was like are we or are we not a family
I’ve never gotten off the elevator at a hotel and walked in the right direction.
I learned about self care from watching my cat.
i do believe that bears are dangerous and anyone who thinks they can get close to one is very stupid. but i also think i am different and the bear would sense my loving spirit
Cop: ‘You realize you were weaving?’
Me: ‘Technically , it’s called ‘texting’, but yes.’
Your personality finally matches your looks. That’s not a compliment.
My 8-year-old correctly used the word “aesthetic” in a sentence.
When I asked her where she learned it, she said YouTube.
That site is ruining her life. It’s turning her into an English major.
Sex is cool, but have you ever had a can opener that actually works?
If I accidentally put a live scorpion in my mouth and chewed on it, am I going to die? Don’t ask how that happened….but my tongue is numb.
My dog just came downstairs with a tie and a bottle of aftershave in his mouth so I guess he wants to go out.
My waxer just told me a hilarious story about ripping out a client’s tampon during a bikini wax.
I guess she doesn’t remember me.
Saw a standup duo last night. One totally died on stage. The other killed. Actually, now I think about it, it might have been a cage fight.