Movie idea: Channing Tatum and Chris Hemsworth are called on by the US government to take their shirts off and punch people who read books.
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cat: so how u been
me: well, kinda been depressed about work and traffic was-
cat: [presses paw to my lips] lol shut up I don’t care feed me
what’s wrong, babe, you’ve hardly played your juitar
I accidentally confused Star Trek with Star Wars and some kid threatened to cut me with his Virgin card.
“I think I’m like in the middle of a really powerful moon cycle or something. I accidentally texted the guy who delivered my coffee asking why he ghosted me and he actually apologized.”
“Ok, guys, before you start calling me a pervert, let me just say I found a great source of protein.” — The first guy who ever milked a cow.
*RSVP’ing to Christmas party*
Whispering into phone: is it ok if I bring my weird roommate?
Husband, from behind me: STOP CALLING ME THAT
There’s no graceful way to shove a chocolate truffle in your mouth during an important Zoom meeting.
Cop: Where were you at the time of the murder?
Me: I’d trapped myself in a Tupperware container
Cop: Damn, that’s an air tight alibi
I always wear running shoes while driving because you won’t know what the terrain will be like until after the cop pulls you over.
College was the most expensive video-streaming service in last 2 years
Being a mom means being the first one up in the morning, the last one to bed at night, and the only one drinking during church.
COVID-19 helping people realise that some meetings can be emails.
I caught my nephew doing drugs with me last night.
1900: Let’s filter coffee.
1950: We need to filter cigarettes.
1970: We should really filter water.
2015: I want to filter my face.
I WANT NERVOUS CHAIR!!!!!!!!!!!!
so my mum bought a lamb for £20 so it doesn’t get killed tomorrow and is planning to keep her in the garden with the dogs???? Honestly wish I could say I’m surprised but it’s very her
Some things are better left unsaid
Tequila – No they’re not
ME: babe i don’t think the acid we dropped is working
GIANT BLUE OX: are you sure
worst things about halloween as an adult:
– things are even scarier than usual
– people knock on your door
– you have less candy afterwards
Thinking about getting a nutritional value label tattooed on my inner thigh.
Judge “The defendant must answer in his own voice.”
Dummy “This is my own voice.”
Ventriloquist “I’d like to request separate lawyers.”
Indian Chief: What that bottle of vodka for?
Me: I got it for my girlfriend.
Indian Chief: Good trade.
Not a creature was stirring, not even a… oops never mind, the Aussies are up.
I always say “goodbye” to the Wal-Mart greeter, just to close that loop.
I read a news article about a guy who bought a golden egg for $13k that turned out to be a Faberge egg worth $33 mil. Those kinds of lucky stories would never happen to me. There will never be a news story that says “Man finds lost Rembrandt painting inside bag of Doritos”.
Me, age 21: I bet I can cannonball into the pool from the balcony of this Super 8
Me, age 51: I have to wait ten seconds after I stand up until the factory settings in my body reset
this makes me so uncomfortable
ex-girlfriend: why are you here? don’t you have any other place to be?
me pretty sure I left my day planner in her apartment: that’s what I wanna know
My dating profile:
I wrote ‘WILL YOU MARRY ME?’ on a balloon. However, before I could propose…
-I popped the question