Movie Idea:
Lohan.
Bynes.
Statham.
DEATH RACE 2
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I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!
Voldemort: I’m here to kill Harry Pott- [struggling to open baby gate]
James Potter: push down and then pull back
Voldemort: I am [still struggling]
Lily Potter: jiggle it he needs to jiggle it
Voldemort: I AM JIGGLING IT; You know what forget it I’ll come back when he’s 10
I like to intentionally barge into guys wearing camo and then look around bewildered like I have no idea what I just ran into.
wife: are you wearing my clothes?!?
me: ok I know this looks bad
me: it needs a belt right?
When I’d go to church as a kid I’d always wonder why there were so many seats reserved for Usher
Hiding the bank statement from your husband is the new hiding your report card from your parents.
Sorry I mostly speculated about my missing stapler in your leaving card.
By today’s standards the butts in Sir Mix-a-Lot’s video weren’t really that big.
He liked medium butts.
So he lied.
*watching TV*
*pours bowl of Grape-Nuts*
*turns on closed captions*
*speaking to my neighbor whom I haven’t seen in four months
Sorry I broke my pickle ball paddle over your head during the last Purge.
It was suggested I gargle salt water to ease gum pain. Found potato chips works just as well. Salt is salt
{Stalker Diary}
Went through his trash.
He buys the generic Fruit Loops. I remain committed. I find his frugalness irresistible.
I definitely thought I would have shot the lock off of something by now in my life.
are you comfortable? perfect, your kid needs something
Under a bridge, harassing goats. That’s how I troll.
My husband & I have a secret signal we use when it’s time to leave a party. I pull an air horn out of my purse and blast it.
[Town Meeting]
Criminal Profiler: Everything we know about the killer suggests that it’s a male, unable to resist even the smallest of provocations, and that he does a pretty mediocre impression of Frasier
Me: [Stood at the back] Mediocre? How dare you! I AM WOUNDED!
You break into a petting zoo once, to try and brush a goat’s teeth…and all of a sudden you’re banned for life.
*sighs*
IF YOU THINK IM GONNA SMILE BECAUSE IT REQUIRES FEWER MUSCLES YOUVE GOT ANOTHER THING COMING. NO OFF DAYS, WELCOME TO FROWN TOWN, BABY
Me: How much more oatmeal can you eat before you become a literary classic?
Donkey: What?
Me: *giggling* Donkey Oaty
I honestly see both sides of the flat earth debate.
Me: Well kid, someday all this will be yours. *motions to my Twitter account*
4-year-old: Susie’s dad has a boat.
date: so what do you do?
me: *recalling how I deface every mesh window covering I see with Sharpie* I’m a screenwriter
My 6yo told me that I’m the best mom he’s ever had, and I was like wait… how many moms have you had? What happened to them? Are they ok? Please don’t feed me to the tigers.
Dating profile at 26: I’m cute and interesting and funny and I will find everything you say super interesting. Let’s get married.
46:
I like what I like. I’m not growing my hair long just so you can pet it. I have one cankle, and I bloat after eating. Hit me up.
Dad’s jean shorts in the 80’s were one move away from being the Basic Instinct scene
I would be awful at debating I’d be like first of all you are being so mean to me.
Lil Brain – Out of Leads
I’ll never understand why people buy dogs from breeders when growing your own is free and far more rewarding.
Netflix never lets you forget you watched a sex documentary