Movie Idea:
Lohan.
Bynes.
Statham.
DEATH RACE 2
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Sometimes I say “you’re welcommmme” to my husband for no reason in a super snobby voice just to watch him squirm.
There’s a whole world of people out there!
*closes the door*
Easing back into Twitter is like slipping on your own shit
Horrifying, yet familiar
There’s a woman at breakfast with a mink purse. I guess it’s important to skin an animal alive to keep your credit cards warm… Idiot
[my first day hosting shopping channel]
“for those of you who love coconut, boy do we have a product for you”
[holds up a coconut]
My 4yo is trying to wash the dishes for me so don’t tell me I’m not allowed to have a favorite child.
I’m not gay but I support their “agenda” – working, having a family, living in safety and fair, equal treatment.
Pretty radical shit.
I had to go to a catholic mass for a funeral and it was the first one I’d been to in a long time and it’s funny the priest gets a bigger communion wafer than everyone else. This is Literally God and I get more of Him than all of you
when you miss someone’s call by one second and immediately call back and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did your telephone explode. did you fall into a chasm
Please help me find my lost pet sloth. It was just right here and, oh, never mind, it’s still right here.
Why did the terrorist buy himself a new Porsche?
He was going through a midlife ISIS!!
Phew. Zero percent juice. That was a close call.
Snooki, but without the orange tan and poofy hair. And she’s in charge of North Korea.
Please put away that scary photo, Tina.
That’s my X-ray.
I’m not sure what’s worse: the fact you dated a skeleton or that its name was Ray.
People I live with are hiding my shit. The two most effective hiding places to date:
1) out in the open
2) where I last left it
Teamwork is essential, it allows you to blame someone else.
When I have to reset my microwave it requires I put in the time, day, month and YEAR, why do you need to know the year you self important kitchen appliance, heat the coffee like it’s 1995 it’s the same to me
I just read that if you eat a slice of bread first thing in the morning and one last thing at night, everything you eat in between makes it a sandwich
Perfect one night stand:
Amish person.No internet access.
No phones.
In the heat of passion they’ll whisper the secret to apple butter.
Sorry but they’re not fajitas unless they come from the fajita region of the restaurant
Me: *hanging off a cliff*
Kids: Mom! Mom! Mom! Mom!
Me: Oh thank goodness! Kids, go get-
Kids: What’s for dinner?
Me: No work tomorrow so I’m sleeping in.
Kids: LOL
Dog: LOL
Brain: LOL
Bladder: LOL
By age 35 you should:
-live in a cave on a mountain
-hate everyone
-try to destroy christmas at least once
-develop the capacity for empathy and compassion but only after your scheme fails
[Grim Reaper arrives at my door]
ME: oh no, is it my time?!
GR: Oh no, I’m just coming for that last tweet you posted. That thing’s been dying for hours…
The government created this winter storm and then closed the roads so I couldn’t go to lizard king church. I don’t even recognize this country anymore.
[riding crowded elevator]
Me: jeez louise, how many stops is this thing gonna make
Jeez Louise: five
Exercise good judgement? I don’t think so, I don’t exercise anything.
ISAAC NEWTON: *apple falls from tree and lands on the ground at his feet* i have just discovered gravity
ME: *apple falls from tree and lands on the ground at my feet* i have just discovered fruit by the foot
If Jehovah’s witnesses brought red wine and Pringles with them, I’d gladly let them in to spend an afternoon chatting about religion.
If a bear confronts you in the woods, make it go away by handing it a flyer for your boyfriend’s band’s show.