@Jake_Vig: Movie Law:
All computer hackers have to say "We're in" when they get into "the system"
@NourHadidi: How to stop checking someone's Facebook page:
1. Delete your Facebook profile
2. Break your phone
3. Give away your laptop
@peterjames48: Autocorrect wants to capitalize bacon, out of respect.
@ThaJawn: Phill: *gets stung by a stingray
Me: *pees on his wound
Phill: That only works on jellyfish stings
Me: Oh shit, I thought you were dead!
@ArfMeasures: ME (working in a bank): Ugh I am so tired today
ROBBER: EVERYONE ON THE GROUND & DO NOT MOVE
ME [blowing up neck pillow] I could kiss you
@KalvinMacleod: Wife: what do you want to do for you birthday?
Me: not answer any more questions.