Movie Law:
All computer hackers have to say “We’re in” when they get into “the system”
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Destroying entire ecosystems by cleaning out my car
My kids dressed in various parts of different Halloween costumes.
Husband: What are they?
Me: Happy, so I’m not asking any questions
You act like no one at work has ever asked you to apply ointment to a bunion before.
Really successful people don’t sleep much. I don’t know why I don’t sleep much.
why tf do americans say tuna fish? like what other types of tuna are there?
Skipping rocks with 11 at the lake thinking how great it is she’s not looking at a screen when she says, “This is fun, do you think there’s an app for this?”
Message to my Haters: i hope you wake up nineteen minutes before your alarm goes off tomorrow
Doctor: Can you stick to a clear liquid diet for a few days?
Me: Sure! Vodka is a clear liquid.
I’m too rational for astrology. Why would I ask a goat in the sky to tell my fortune when I can consult the entrails of an actual goat right here on Earth?
I don’t like calling zombies “the undead”. I think they’d prefer to be known as the nearly departed.
I know I hate you but if you died suddenly … I mean I’d still hate you but I’d be a little more cheery.
Call your teenage daughter by the dog’s name one time and she doesn’t talk to you for three days. Three wonderful fabulous amazing days.
“Hey, look, is that Dad?”
“Either that or Batman’s really let himself go.”
if adults evolved from babies, why are there still babies?
Marvellous mathematical takedown of a Motivational Poster
My left ovary feels sore… like it was working out? I guess I’d say it’s
ovary active
man I hope machines don’t become sentient robots in my lifetime because my voicemail lady would straight up kick the shit outta me
The gardener at my work put beer in the garden to catch slugs
SO GUESS WHO JUST BECAME A SLUG
[highspeed chase]
ANCIENT GREEK COP: Damn they’re getting away *turns on Siren*
[several nearby ships are lured to their doom]
Your personality finally matches your looks. That’s not a compliment.
Me: I don’t really know anything about Canada.
Canada: Let’s keep it that way.
[apiary]
ME: Are you the beekeeper?
BEEKEEPER: Yup
ME: Can I get some?
BEEKEEPER: Nope
ME: Is it because you k—
BEEKEEPER: I keep them
Laughing at your mistakes could lengthen your life. Laughing at your spouse’s mistakes WILL shorten it…
Well well well… looks like someone put on some weight again.
~ my pants right now
I just found a Cheerio in my sofa and we don’t have any Cheerios in this house.
*eats it
Most of being an adult is just trying to figure out where that bruise came from.
*Pays bills*
*Bank turns off debit card for suspicious activity*
I put my hand upon your hip
And then I steal yo queso dip
me: hey, cute dog, what’s his name
guy w/ dog: Robert
me: Robert
guy: yeah
me: [grabs him by shirt] wtf is wrong with you