[movie night]
Her: Can I pick tonight?
Me: You picked last time and it was horrible
Her: WE WATCHED OUR WEDDING VIDEO
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dog: why can’t I see colors?
me: you’re visually impaired.
dog: what’s impai?
they should have called it “Checkmate” instead of “Tinder”
i love reading online product reviews because there will be 8,000 that say “this blender is amazing, highly recommended” and one that will be like “garbage, do not buy, i tried to blend concrete and a crowbar and the thing broke immediately”
When a stranger changes in front of you, they’re either interested or you’re friend zoned.
It’s hard to tell from this tree.
If you put your face really close to a neck tattoo & slowly pull away, you can see a hidden design of the unemployment office.
The eliptical I want costs $500, the cheeseburger I want cost $1, you see my dilemma?
Threw some hot dogs and a velociraptor egg into my shake this morning, I’m ready to take on the world.
I don’t want to imply I was anything special in college but I was the president of the Ramen Club for 5 years, probably would have been 6, except my parents gave me an ultimate that I needed “to stop putzing around and graduate already.”
There are no atheists in parking lots where you’ve dropped your phone face down on the asphalt.
Stop making mini snacks, people. Never have I been like, “wow this is a delicious cupcake. If only it were 1/4 of the size.”
Is Miley Cyrus pregnant? Will The government stay shut down? Will the GTA online servers work? Find out on the next episode of Dragon Ball Z
I know this intervention is serious business but I see absolutely no snacks here.
Schrödinger: you see, there’s no way of knowing if the cat is alive or dead
Box: *violently shakes and hisses*
Schrödinger: … it’s a paradox
Box: *screeches threateningly*
[placing hand on my boss’s casket] who can’t think outside the box now
In 1508, the French town of Autun sued all the local rats for eating crops. The rats’ lawyer successfully argued that as the rats might encounter dogs or cats on the way to defend themselves in court, the trial was unfair.
Me: Please don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
You: Would you like some coffee?
Me: No.
cats are so dumb how do u only learn how to say one word ur entire life
Granmas leave the plastic fruit display with your bite marks on it to remind you of what you did 35 years ago
Me: All I want is for a man to bring me a rose-
Friend: Well, that’s not asking much.
Me: colored diamond.
Kinda creepy that my kids got in a screaming match over which one is my favorite since I don’t have any kids.
I will be with you always and forever, even during the rough times, until the day we die.
-Herpes
Who called it inspirational posting and not chicken soup for the scroll?
You never notice pilots because they’re usually in d’skies
Having a toddler is like harboring a bipolar, schizophrenic, incontinent, adorable, tiny dictator.
Me: This little kid sitting next to me in a restaurant wouldn’t stop screaming so I decided to scream back and wow I totally get why kids scream it’s so freeing and so much better than actually verbalizing your emotions
Therapist: I think you’re regressing
Me: *screams* am i?
I hate when you’re talking to a woman at a bar and some guy comes up and says “Is this guy bothering you?”
It’s even worse when your wife says, “He really is.”
I thought it would be good for the environment if I had less grass to waste water on so I put a pool in.
So when you say R.I.P. To a dearly departed you are basically saying hey no zombie or walking dead stuff ??
My wife has gifted me a bath bomb that looks suspiciously like a toaster.
Donald Trump says he’ll open up secret 9/11 files. Miley Cyrus says she’ll flee the country if Trump is elected. Connect the dots, people.