[movie night]
Her: Can I pick tonight?
Me: You picked last time and it was horrible
Her: WE WATCHED OUR WEDDING VIDEO
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“Disney movies promote false images of the friendliness of woodland creatures,” I mutter after each rabies shot.
Chameleon wife: “Does my bum look big in this dress?”
Chameleon husband: “What dress? Where are you?”
*forgets Netflix password*
*sends email reset*
*forgets email password*
*sends reset to backup*
20 resets later:
*opens 2nd Netflix account*
You don’t know awkward and uneasy until you’ve seen the way I hold a cat.
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what are your coordinates
me: I’m by a cloud that looks like a lion
control tower: can you be more specific
me: simba
Romeo and Juliet is not a love story. It’s a 3-day relationship between a 13-year-old and a 17-year-old that cause 6 deaths.
4yo just referred to me as “your kid” on a call with my parents so now I need to find out why I’m in trouble
[first date]
Her: The menu is in French.
Me: Allow me to order for you.
Her: Sure.
Me: Mÿ dâtę wòûld líkê thé chėésëbûrgęr, plæsê.
The candy shop door swung open and he strode in. Patrons gasped and clerks hid under the counter. He put a smoke out with the heel of his boot, pulled another from his leather jacket, and gripped it with his yellowed teeth. “Oh my god,” a woman whispered, “it’s the fifth dentist”
[Sexting]
“So, what are you wearing?”
A nice blouse and a light sweater. Sensible shoes.
I accidentally bought the “Super Long & Extra Absorbent” maxi pads this month and I think that’s why I have dry mouth.
[first day as a waiter]
me: may I recommend the steak?
customer: yes ok
me: thanks. I recommend the steak
RIP boiling water. You will be mist.
My dog is either dreaming or can’t quite figure out how to shape shift.
If you knock down a policeman, they’ll get backup.
I can’t wait for this whole ordeal to be over, so my favorite pizza place can go back to rubbing their bare hands and feet all over my pizza before delivering it to me, like the good Lord intended.
How do the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles have 6-pack abs? They can’t do sit-ups.
When you ask her
“Have you ever read Shakespeare?”And she answers
“No, who wrote it?” ….Keep moving.
I know I shouldn’t make hot beverages from fish parts, but it’s just my gill tea pleasure.
…No, YOU shut up.
I had a rough childhood. I saw things that no one should ever have to see. For example, The Phantom Menace.
I love when shows have cops escaping jail to finish solving a murder like you broke out to go back to work 😭
USPS: does this package contain any perishables
me, in a cake, in the box: I’LL BE FINE
Last year I had no valentine, this year I also have no valentine. Consistency 🙏🏾
If you think there’s nothing better than sex, you’ve never had a cop turn on his lights behind you and then pull over someone else.
Sam was having a great time at the party until someone next to him sneezed.
People who sleep on the floor in a tent, build fires, poop in a hole and fight off bears…there is another way.
Author: So, I’ve got this children’s book. It’s about a hungry caterpillar.
Agent: Pass
Author: A VERY hungry caterpillar.
Agent: Go on…
Pluto takes 248 years to orbit the sun, or roughly one baseball game
me: [dead in the morgue] *turns fan on for noise*
James is coming over.
“James from work or James who thinks he’s a leprechaun?”J: TOP O’ THE MORNIN’ TO YA!
“I’ll hide the Lucky Charms.”