i told the bus driver he was hot when i got off the bus because life’s short but now he’s my driver on the way back too so turns out life is long
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How do you pay an electrician? You wire them the money.
The vegetable crisper or as I call it, the cold garbage can.
Watching Jaws with my 6 year old because I’m sick of going to the beach
Wife is painting the upstairs bedrooms. It’s not in my nature to sit still while she slaves away so I went up and complained about the color
No one:
My dog on our 6 am walk: this is my emotional support dirty sock
two guys fighting over oars are just having a row it took me 3 hours to write this crap send tweet
[me going to literally any sporting event] i better wear my sneakers in case they need another player
People: it’s important to limit your children’s screen time
School System: y’all heard about virtual learning?
Me: Do the dishes.
10-year-old: That’s the worst possible thing you could say to me.
Me: Do the dishes all week.
Genie: Alright, you know the drill, 3 rules: no wishing for death, no falling in love, no bringing anyone back from the dead
Me: I wish my socks were tongues 🙂
Genie:
Genie: There are 4 rules
My 4yo said he was playing at lunch with a girl from his class at school.
Me: Which game were you playing?
4: Lava Queen and Assistant!
Me: Let me guess. You were the assistant?
4: How did you know, daddy?!
Daddy knows.
Took my daughter and her best friend to dinner and a show with endless snacks and sodas but we didn’t get ice cream afterwards so naturally this night will forever be known as “that night you didn’t get us ice cream.”
Every zoo is a petting zoo if you can run fast enough.
Stranger adds me to facebook
*has a panic attack*Creepy as hell stranger follows on twitter
*does victory dance*
ME: babe i don’t think the acid we dropped is working
GIANT BLUE OX: are you sure
At least men & women can agree on one thing: it feels AMAZING to take a bra off
astrology is complicated but asking someone what their sign is and then responding with “yeah, that makes total sense” is super duper easy
A second-hand deep fryer is an acceptable gift for third weddings right?
My kids are arguing over who gets to bring the garbage cans in, proving, once again, that kids will fight about anything.
If I owned a moving company, I’d call it ‘Van Gogh.’
if “Joker” had come out in 2020, it would be called “Normal Man”
Table for six please?
“Is your party coming soon or?”
[Takes 4 turtles and a rat out from coat] I’m going to need booster seats
If you’re ever attacked by a mob of angry clowns…
…go for the juggler.
Fabio hasn’t aged a day
Hear me out: a dating service that matches you based on your food delivery orders like “this person also ordered Chinese food five nights in a row”
I was living in the moment until I was evicted.
If I give out nudes now, it’s extremely unfair to the nudes I didn’t give out before.
my thigh gap is just a painted tunnel by Wile E. Coyote