[movie theater concessions]
Me: ok kiddos we can get popcorn or we can pay for your college.
Kids: POPCORN!
Wife: seriously!?!
Me: [shakes head sadly] they’ve made their choice.
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Just unlocked a memory of when I was in college and I was in Cabo with a guy I was seeing & he made me FaceTime my surgeon brother about the fact that his feet were swollen & my brother talked him through it then texted me after “do NOT give me a useless brother in law”
I am not “living in fear”, I am “making reasonable efforts to not get COVID again because the first time I had it I ran a fever so high that I briefly met God and got to ask Him about His favourite wing sauce”, hope this helps
My daughter just found the dog leash and collar
Which would be less awkward to explain if we actually had a dog
10: *mischievously to her sister* One foot, two feet, so for one boot, it’s two beet.
7: Noooooo, it’s booties!
My kid’s teacher asked me to text her if we were going to be late and I was like it’ll be a lot easier if we text you when we’re going to be on time
Dogs Barking at Night Translated
Dog 1: Hey! I’m a dog!
Dog 2: No way! I, too, am a dog!
Dog 3: Ok, you guys aren’t going to believe this…
“Dad! Mom wants to trade with me in Monopoly! I need you to help me negotiate a good deal!”
– My 11yo, about to find out the hard way that the only thing I can negotiate with my wife in Monopoly is my own quick demise
I’ll grow my beard out just so I can knock on a strangers door & whisper, “I’m here to pick your kid up for prom. Either one. I don’t care.”
My new way of torturing someone is the pay a giraffe to show up outside and knock their window at 3 am and no one will ever believe them that a giraffe is stalking them. Sure, Tim. A giraffe was outside your house in the middle of Ohio. That’s totally believable🙄
I don’t need to be rich, it would just be nice to live in a neighborhood where I could be confident that that noise was definitely fireworks
*Sends carrier pigeon back*
“I have a suitor.”
so unrealistic when scary movies show an empty rocking chair rocking back and forth. there should be a pile of laundry on it
if you want more reason to fell in love with Hozier, remember he said this:
When you hear your kid shout “HERE, HOLD MY LOLLIPOP!” you know it’s about to go down.
Sorry your team lost. Maybe you should’ve told the players what to do more loudly from your recliner.
WIFE: If you embarrass me in public again, I’m leaving you
[Single Ladies comes on the jukebox]
ME: *rising to my feet* Well, we had a good run
I put on a blue vest and just walked out of Lowe’s with 18 toilet plungers
Them: The tequila made me do it.
Me: The tequila helped me do it.We are not the same.
It took my husband roughly 5 hours to put together this seesaw thing so I’m thinking our marriage will probably only last about 2 hours after I ask him to move the orange bar to the middle
WIFE: Why do you waste money on useless things?
ME: [scraping the S and H off the side of my new School Bus] Maybe useless to you Sharon
Me: You’re such a good boy.
Dog: *tail wagging* Please leave the room so I can eat the couch.
I’m scared to open any email with a photo attachment because of all this talk about photobombing.
A lot of childhood characters weren’t so much beloved as there wasn’t anything else on the tv
My arm fell asleep, which is understandable, considering how boring the rest of my body has been.
Sometimes I buy enormous pants and take a picture of myself holding them up just to feel like I lost a ton of weight.
[my first cutaway on The Bachelorette] I can eat more roses than any of these guys
There’s no graceful way to shove a chocolate truffle in your mouth during an important Zoom meeting.
Unicorn: Come on man, do it just one more time.
Dragon: This is the last time.
Unicorn: Hell yeah!
Dragon: [toasts unicorns marshmallow]
A lot of people don’t know this but Hotel sheets aren’t tucked in tight. It’s actually the bed bugs playing a lil game of tug of war with you
I bet you’ll watch the cell phone camera footage of this concert for years & remember the fun you had holding up a cell phone at a concert.