Slut: desirable woman who has sex with someone other than yourself.
You Might Also Like
Doc : Do you know what blood type you are?
Me : Red?
Christmas Karening is like Christmas Caroling. But instead of going door to door singing, you go store to store asking for the manager.
HER: do you own any firearms
ME [trying to impress]: no but I have some hot legs
R-E-S-C-E-P-T, found out I need a dictionary
I still remember when “information is power” could be said with a straight face. Thank goodness the internet put that myth to rest.
date: i’m very level-headed
me: [furious that the word ratify doesn’t mean to turn something into a rat] omg me too
How come those cross species adoption videos are always cats or dogs raising baby birds? Just once I’d like to see a hawk enthusiastically barfing into a kittens mouth.
I once taught an 8 am college class. So many grandparents died that semester. I then moved my class to 3 pm. No more deaths. And that, my friends, is how I save lives.
[During quarantine]
Kidnapper: 25,000 by this Sunday if you want to see your kids again.
Me: how about 40,000 and you keep them til next weekend?
I thought white noise was the sound of people complaining at Starbucks.
ME: *wearing medieval armour* I’d like to book a room.
HOTEL RECEPTIONIST: How many nights?
ME: *lifts visor* Just me.
Bank Teller: Ma’am, this is a regular bank, not a blood bank. Please stop trying to give me your blood
Me: Oh this isn’t mine
Friend: What do you like most about Adele?
Me: Have you seen her work/life balance? She works for 6 months then disappears for 5 years.
mechanic: i’m gonna have to replace your brakes
me: with what
A cop pulled me over because he thought I was talking on a cell phone but really I was just rubbing a slice of pizza on the side of my face
I like to fill my medicine cabinet with marbles before I invite people over.
I shaved and now I can fit into my smaller jeans.
When a patron comes into the library the Saturday after Thanksgiving and asks “What’s the right way to cook a turkey,” I know I’m being asked not to provide practical information but rather to get involved in a heated family dispute
I love people who order coffee like they’re giving the pass code to a missile defense system.
Bruce Willis is at the supermarket, standing by the cucumbers & laughing hysterically, pointing at them with tears streaming down his face
Ladies, if Men had PMS they’d get into fist fights, defraud partners, start wars, abuse women, stop paying child support..HEY-wait a minute!
little known fact: less famous brother, eustice wright, invented flying a spoon of vegetables into babies’ mouths
me: and make it a double. it’s been a long night
bartender: *duct taping two Capri-Suns together*
The smell of fresh cut grass. Freshly overturned dirt. The cold metal of a shovel. The fear in my neighbor’s eyes as he mows his lawn at 7am
Took over 70 days of quarantine but we finally got that roll of Christmas wrapping paper from behind the bedroom door put away.
I am convinced Americans are required by law to watch football. Ain’t no way this many people watch it all day long by choice
STOP CALLING ME. IF I EVER PLANNED ON TALKING TO YOU AGAIN I WOULDN’T HAVE BORROWED ALL THAT MONEY.
real
The older I get, the more sympathize with Squidward’s anger.
“If that isn’t doing it for you, just give it a little smack. On the bottom. Harder. Little harder. Almost there.”
– The waiter explaining to me how to get ketchup out of the bottle.