Movie Theater: *lights go down*
Me: *quietly removes entire thanksgiving feast from backpack*
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So supportive, you should change your name to Wonder Bra.
8 yo, singing quietly to himself “dancing queen, young and sweet, only seven teeth”
It’s been a horrible day. This morning my ex got ran over by a fed ex truck. Then I lost my job at fed ex.
My 6yo is arguing with me over what day of the week it is.
Have kids, they said.
Child: I can’t wait to be older.
Me [tweezing grey hairs growing out of my ear]: There is literally no greater joy.
My kid: I’ll look
Me: No, no one is going to look
Target Employee: Why don’t you take a look at our new collection of home decor? It’s so beautif-
Me: *blindly flailing a knife from under the blanket covering our heads and cart* I’M ONLY HERE FOR LAUNDRY SOAP, DEMON
Customer: where might I find chicken livers?
Me: on the inside
The downside of having moles on my body is that my wife loves playing Whack-a-Mole.
Google Maps places way too much faith in my ability to find my destination on my left in 800ft
*annual sexual harassment seminar.
Boss: We need more seats.
Me: *taps lap* I’ve got a place for someone to sit.
Boss: *sighing* You’re the reason we have these meetings.
A polite way to signal to your guests that it’s time to leave is to start the dishwasher, turn off all the lights, and go brush your teeth.
It might just be MAX now, but whenever his mom gets mad she still calls him by his full name, Hubert Bertinelli Oscar Maximus the third
That curb wasn’t there until I hit it.
Ok I’ll come clean. When people say “asking for a friend,” they’re talking about me. I’m the friend. I have a lot of embarrassing questions.
My son was provoking me by repeatedly shoving a dirty leaf into his mouth so I offered him “special eating leaves” and now he’s a 4yo enjoying a bowl of salad for dinner
I’m so broke identity thieves sent a fruit basket with a note.
“Sorry about the ID theft. Please tell your creditors to stop calling us.”
Time flies when you throw your alarm clock out the window.
My house looks amazing from the outside…as for the inside, its nothing that a decent fire wouldn’t fix
Motion detecting home security camera working well!
I asked my boyfriend what he wanted for his birthday and he said 20 dollars
Romance isn’t dead it’s just playing happily on a farm up north.
Growing up in the Midwest means I am not embarrassed to eat a pound of fried macaroni in a setting, but I am embarrassed to admit ever having sex to my family at the age of 36.
Glad I’m not a general, because auto-correct just changed “lunch order” to “launch order.”
“Latte” is Latin for: You paid too much for that coffee.
Facebook needs an “I’ve already seen this on Twitter” button.
2016: imagine the worst case scenario.
2019: no, not like that, worser
The ice cubes in my parents’ freezer are original.
ME: (slowly undressing)
DMV PHOTOGRAPHER: Stop that.
This salad is delicious, probably because it’s a donut.
[dollar store]
Me: I would like 700 dollars, please