Movie theater: Please silence your phones.
Me, who hasn’t taken my phone off silent since 2012: *double-checks*
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Kids, stay in school and get a good degree so you can spend 40% of your life on conference calls
my retirement plan is braless
i love that gatorade says 0% juice. like yeah we’re well aware there’s no fruit named “cool blue”
Nothing says “I m not interested” quite as loudly as showing up for a date
The chemical symbol for Seahorse is H₂Orse.
Me: I grew a beard once & It actually looked just like yours.
Him: Why’d you shave it off?
Me: I just told you…
HER: ”So, what should I do now?”
DOCTOR: “Inform your partner.”
HER: “I don’t know if I can face him.”
DOCTOR: “You can write him a note.”
HER: “That’s a great idea!”
My 17 year old son made his bed this morning so I texted him to make sure he was ok and not on drugs or something because as a parent you’re supposed to watch out for sudden, unusual behavior in your teens.
The recommended age to have a Ouija Board is 8+ years old.
So, you need to be 21 years old to drink alcohol and 8 to summon the devil.
“An eye for an eye?”
– a cannibal at a swap meet
[Games store]
ME: Do you sell chess sets?
SALES ASSISTANT: I’ll check mate.
Mama Bear: Ok but last time
Papa Bear: Thanks, babe
[she puts on a Goldilocks wig]
Mama Bear (falsetto): I can’t sleep here! It’s toooo hard
Me: Stop over-analysing; not everything has to mean something!
Them: Are you gonna help us compile this dictionary or not?
Kids be quick to tell YOU when you need something from the grocery but call THEM from the grocery and have ‘em check for you and they act like they don’t know what sausage is
Y’all ready for this
THEM: You are not alone.
ME: How dare you? I worked hard for this.
[Job interview]
“What are your strengths?”
Me: I fall in love easily.
“Erm, okay… what are your weaknesses?”
Me: Those blue eyes of yours.
Dad: I’m sorry sweetie, times are hard so we had to send your pony sprinkles to the glue factory
Sprinkles: *at the conveyor putting lids on glue bottles* this is some bullshit
If the wife ever ends up on Snapped, it’ll be because at any given time I have 16 boxes of cereal open.
Why is it called a bathroom scented candle and not a john wick?
Treat her like a princess & she’ll love you forever.
Unless she’s an actual princess. Then she’ll just think “I’m being treated normally.”
I’m not one to kink shame but I just found out my boyfriend has a new fetish for sleeping with other women.
My son just chose his university, which means for the next five years I’ll have two kids attending college.
Naturally, this morning I did some financial planning…marking the convenience stores I plan to rob.
Guys! I just heard when women ask “Does this make me look fat?” they know we’ll say no. What they are really testing is HOW FAST WE SAY IT!
Cause of death: Zumba
men invented arm wrestling so they could hold hands and look in each other’s eyes
It always starts out “you’re so funny” and ends with “oh dear… oh my god… wtf”
My 6 year old found the duct tape and now nothing in my house moves.
Me: I want you inside of me.
Him: Wow.
Me: That would be a scary thing to hear if I was a bear, huh?
Him: Why are you like this?
One day, the fridge will take revenge on me, every half hour opening the door to my room, staring at me for a few minutes & then walk away.