[movie theater]
Her: *Hands me popcorn bag* Can you put this down?
Me: *grabs bag* You stupid, overpriced, salty piece of shit!
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My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename my cat.
That prank where you roll the windows down as you go through a carwash so your friends get soaked isn’t as funny when you do it by yourself
Some things are better left unsaid
Tequila – No they’re not
5 minutes left in this NBA game. Gonna read War and Peace, walk the dog, and get a mani/pedi before the final buzzer.
God: Basically u just chill.
Cow: Nice.
God: I mean, at first.
Cow: …then?
God: Then people murder u to eat ur insides & wear u as a coat.
Why do they tell you a towns population when you drive passed it. Oh 4000 people live there? That’s perfect. I actually need 4000 people
You, idiot: Bill Gates
Me, a genius: Invoice Doors
When my 3yo doesn’t take a nap someone always tells me, oh she’s gonna sleep good at night. It’s almost like they can’t feel the heat coming off the hell that’s about to unfold when I tell my 3yo it’s time for bed.
They’ll continuously make Fast & Furious movies until it’s a bunch of old men trying to get out of a grocery store parking lot
You’re in his DMs
I am wanted in 37 states for tax evasion
Trojan: Pricier than some other brands, yet still cheaper than Enfamil, Gerber, Pampers, Graco, Fisher-Price, Playskool, Lego, Melissa & Do-
9yo: My best friend is going to be gone for 2 weeks on vacation. It’s going to be the worst.
Me: Well, it gives us the chance to hang out.
9yo: You’re making it worse.
If it looks like a duck, swims like a duck, and barks like a pig, then I probably took too many pills.
I miss the days when my work wife and my wife wife were different people.
boss: trouble at home?
me: [jumps awake at my desk] yeah
boss: wife giving you grief?
me: there’s a bee in my kitchen
Not to brag but my kid is so polite she woke me up to check if she was making too much noise
It truly bothers me how many people would marry someone just for their money. Because I’m trying to do that & you’re lowering my chances.
YOU (falling prey to the pathetic fallacy): The sky is angry tonight.
ME (science-loving, dispassionate): Everything is angry all the time.
My scariest campfire story is about the time I held a flashlight under my chin to tell one and everybody started counting my whiskers…
Even the worst hangover wears off by 5:00. Coincidence? I think not.
“No pain, no gain!” I scream at myself while bending over to cut my toenails
the main reason men’s shirts have those little breast pockets is just in case their gf becomes a worm
Me:
Uber driver:
Me:
Uber driver:
Me:
Uber driver:*5 stars*
On the upside, my kids are helping with the dishes. On the downside, my kids are helping with the dishes.
My ex once told me that she still had feelings for me but then clarified that they were all negative ones
everyone: IT WAS COLD OUT THIS MORNING BUT NOW ITS WARM! WHATEVER SHALL WE DO?
me: finally *slowly unzipping my khakis at the knee so they become shorts* now is my time to shine
Officer: Sir, we have reports you’ve trained this bird to injure passersby.
Me: Ridiculous!
O: The pet’s name?
M: Paul the Attack Canary.
Cookie Monster have other things going. Whole life not just cookie.
I never had to swim for my life in a shark attack but once I had to doggy-paddle really fast to get out of a pool when it was dessert time.
[Cop flashes headlights behind me]
WIFE: I think he wants you to stop
ME: No I think he wants a street race
[A few minutes later]
ME: *taking a corner at 90mph* Guess I was right again, huh Linda