[movie theater]
Her: *Hands me popcorn bag* Can you put this down?
Me: *grabs bag* You stupid, overpriced, salty piece of shit!
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the worst part about getting murdered has to be meeting a new person
local police are looking for a peeping tom, I’m heading over to pick up an application
If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.
i don’t mean to brag, but i totally got to third base with my rem cycle last night.
Not to brag or anything, but I got the high score on my scale today.
My kids never answer our phone unless it’s a telemarketer, political candidate or person taking a survey and then they’re all like HELLO OH SURE MY DAD IS RIGHT HERE
Me: I was watching Sixth Sense when my house got burgled
Cop: Ok tell me everything that happened
[10 mins later]
Cop: holy shit he was dead the whole time?!
*me swallowing my fourth wet t-shirt*
This contest is hard
Saddest three words: hollow chocolate bunny
Genie: what is your first wish
Joe: i want to be rich
Genie: granted. and what is your second wish
Rich: i want lots of money
If I’m ever dangling off a cliff and your hands are full of mikes hard lemonades you better give me one so i can be refreshed on my way down
Leia: This is romantic
Han: I know
Chewie: Rwwar
Leia: Does he have to be here?
Han: It’s a life debt. You’re basically marrying us both
878 dead bodies lay there.
Liam Nesson “Are we done?”
Police: “Sure, I don’t see any reason why we should arrest you.”
Transition lenses that keep getting darker the longer someone is talking to you.
Little known fact:
Young children’s bones are not the same as an adult. Children’s elbows are actually made of knives.
It was obvious from the camera angle it was AMC killing it’s viewers. #TWDfinale
Husband:What do you want for Mother’s Day?
Me:I don’t want to have to tell you what I want
Husband:(goes to the store and never comes back)
If Twitter has taught me anything it’s that I’m glad I am not a therapist
I had to explain to my 5yo that he’s not allowed to “kaboom” the baby
i love corporate logic because a company will fire an entire newsroom full of award-winning journalists to spare the $500k salary of a guy in a corner office whose title is like Senior Vice President of Bad Decision-Making
“Smells fresh. Like a tropical island.”
“Ok. Now take off the blindfold! Your family’s been dead in this car for a week! We Febrezed it!”
I’m aging like an avocado. By the time I finally noticed my prime it was too late.
Everything I learned about the Kardashians, I learned against my will.
Yes I delete tweets when they don’t live up to my expectations.
Just be glad I don’t have kids.
When I’m elected Pope, pants will be optional.
(at least for me)
(and that won’t really be a change from what I do now)
Wife (to our teen): Can you unload the dishwasher?
Teen: See, this is why I don’t come down here
Jealous that my phone can just die for a little while
[Being chased by a bear in the snow]
Me: Should we hide??!Her: *putting snow on herself* make yourself as white as you can
Me *loudly* I find potato salad too spicy
At the gas station just now a nickel fell out of my pocket and hit my shoe before landing perfectly on its side. Turned around to show the guy standing behind me in line and he was blown away and said “that’s how you know none of this is real”
Kudos to Google for starting a company before you could Google, “How to start a company?”