[movie theater]
TRAILER ANNOUNCER: how far will one man go…..to protect what he loves
ME: [turning to person behind me] pretty far i bet
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My Secret Santa gave me a McDonald’s gift card because they took one look at me.
Pro-tip: instead of telling a woman she looks tired, make her day by saying literally anything else
Place a STUDENT DRIVER sign on top of your car, and suddenly nobody suspects you of drunk driving.
I was best man at my friend’s 2nd wedding. I started my speech with “welcome back everyone” he was not happy #weddingfail
[the clock strikes half past two]
dentist: my time has come
[at a job fair]
Me: Where’s the ferris wheel?
Me: *climbing down* The best revenge is living in a well.
Friend: That’s not the saying!
Me: *shouting up* You’ll all be sorry!
I get more sympathy when I say that I don’t have a Costco near me than when I say someone died
My husband said he’d gotten an idea for a gift for me from a show he’s been watching. I just realized that thanks to free HBO on Hulu he’s rewatching The Sopranos. Now I’m a bit concerned.
[at the general store]
me: one general please
If you’re feeling butterflies in your stomach, go make yourself a sandwich. It’s called being hungry.
A lethal injection that takes two hours has no place in a civilized society. And it shouldn’t happen in Arizona either.
[Sits on chair backwards]
Now let me tell you about another “righteous dude” who had long hair and wild ideas.
me: *dies*
death: welcome to the afterlife
me: how do I get to heaven?
death: *points* go up those stairs
me: what about hell?
death: *points* go down those stairs
me: and limbo?
death: *points* just duck under that bar
Stick around after sticking around after the Thor 2 credits. Very realistic 3D of a theater manager telling you to leave.
Batgirl: I have a riddle for you, Riddler.
Riddler: Oh?
B: Notice anything different about me?
R:
R: *jumps to his death from 46th-floor window*
Me: Be still you have something on your face.
4: Is it a snail?
Me: No. Why would a snail be on your face?
4: I don’t know mommy weird stuff happens sometimes.
Husband: Did you put “Deadly Wives” and “Why Women Kill” on our watchlist?
Me, picking up his socks sitting on the floor next to the laundry basket: Should’ve added “How to Get Away with Murder” as well.
Husband: What?
Me: What?
Fyi dark walnut wood stain tastes nothing at all like walnuts
The worst case scenario, or as I like to call it, the thing guaranteed to happen.
In the 1990’s we didn’t have Uber, so we just hitched a ride with a stranger that didn’t look like a serial killer.
I’ll interrupt important meetings with random dance-offs against the superintendent, just to remind him who really runs the prison.
Got kicked off the cruise ship after three day of constantly saying “poop deck” & snickering.
[starship battle]
CAPTAIN: We’re outgunned! Our only hope is to hide in that nebulaENSIGN WHOSE JOB IS CLEANING NEBULA GUNK OFF THE HULL: what if instead we made peace with our inevitable deaths?
Me: Why won’t my friends talk to me anymore
Also me: I’m hummuspilled. I’m going chickpea mode. I’m in my garbanzo era.
Romantically smoking a postcoital cigar from both ends with your lover like in Lady and The Tramp
Me: Hi, officer. I saw you coming up the driveway.
Cop: (sadly) Your son has been in an accident.
Me: I FLUSHED ALL MY DRUGS FOR THAT?!
My wife asked me why I was speaking so softly at home. I told her I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening! She laughed. I laughed. Alexa laughed. Siri laughed.
the guy who invented predictive text died yesterday
his funfair is next Friday
When Miley Cyrus is naked and licks a hammer it’s “art” and “music” , but when I do it I’m “wasted” and “have to leave the Hardware Store”